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We Can't All Be Souma, Okay?

Welcome to Cooking with Raitzeno, a series that, if God exists and doesn’t hate us all, will only have this entry. Today we’re making a Raitz-Mex dish called Tostitosterone. If that sounds terrible, well, it is. Hooray!

Illustration for article titled We Cant All Be Souma, Okay?

Step 1: Arrange a layer of Tostitos Bite-Size tortilla chips. Yes, the awful ones that are halfway stale before you ever open the bag. Shut up. Make sure you’re super OCD about filling as much plate space as possible.

Step 2: Add shredded cheese. We’re looking at a third of the bag right here. I’m using a triple cheese blend package. You can use whatever makes you horny. I mean happy. Yeah, happy.


Step 3: Pour hot sauce. Just cover this entire layer. I won’t judge you. Wait, yes I will.

Step 4: Arrange more Tostitos on top. That’s right, this is a double-decker douche dish.


Step 5: Spread more cheese. There goes another third of the bag. Fuck you, everyone else in the house. You don’t get to use most of this bag.

Step 6: Add pepperoni. If you’re feeling artsy, make a design with them instead of just matching them up to chips. I will destroy you if you do so. This “food” will destroy you either way.


Step 7: Microwave for 1:30. Because actual cooking is for people who care.

Step 8: Kill yourself. No, seriously. This is your last chance. You don’t HAVE to put this in your mouth. Make the right choice.


Step 9: Why aren’t you dead yet? Did you think this step would be ‘enjoy’? No. You do not get to enjoy food when you cook like Raitzeno. Go watch Food Network and cry yourself to sleep.

If you’re wondering why I don’t have separate pictures for each step: Fuck you. You’re learning how to cook from Raitzeno. You don’t deserve more pictures.

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