The Day: unimportant. The time: late. A crisis was brewing in the halls of Ani-TAY, one that would ignite the flames of war.

Editor’s Note: I had to fix several Maelwys typos. That should give you an idea of which side is really right here.

Command: We have a brewing crisis on our hands in SNAFU territory.

Protonstorm: What’s the problem?

Command: Some people think that Iroha isn’t the best character in My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU.

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Protonstorm: Then it’s time to show them the error of their ways.

*Upon landing at ground zero, our hero Protonstorm is confronted by the enemy: the vicious Maelwys*

Protonstorm: Iroha is the best!

Protonstorm: Of course, I ship Yukino and Hachiman, but Iroha is just the best.

MaelwysSC113: no, hayama’s the bastard here.

Protonstorm: And Iroha is the best.

MaelwysSC113: Yukino has twice the street cred of Iroha.

Protonstorm: Iroha has at least five times the swagger.

MaelwysSC113: if they were cocaine, irohas would actually be sugar sold to high people to cheat them out of money.

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Protonstorm: Lol, I agree partially... Because Iroha is like sugar, the highest quality, most refined of sugars, the kind so tantalizingly sweet even though you know it’s bad for you and that the sugar is really just exploiting you for your money, but you buy it anyways because it, and Iroha, are irresistible.

MaelwysSC113: they also pass through you quickly and provide no real sustenance. Yukino is more like a nice steak, tender and caring when it needs to be, but solid and firm when the situation demands. Proteins > simple carbohydrates .: Yukino > Irohas

MaelwysSC113: Give Hikki the dietary nutrition he deserves! Ship Yukino!

Protonstorm: Humph, you compare Yukino to steak, and while one might make this comparison, it is important to note the flaws inherent in such a material. The spots of fat, the red areas of uneven cooking that leave a feeling of rawness, of character not properly rounded out. There are areas of her, much like the steak, that are much too developed while others are left not quite desirably developed enough, an unbalanced character relative to Iroha. Adding sugar to just about anything will make it sweeter, but I have yet to hear of adding steak in a similar manner. Your argument makes me more assured of my side.

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Kinksy (the poor bystander): I have no idea whats going on...

MaelwysSC113: Ah, I see you live in a world darkened by the lack of a fine steak experience. Perhaps you have heard of a filet mignon? Imagine such a quality thing, but larger because everything is better in large quantities. This will be illuminated by a shaft of light from the heavens which plebeians such as yourself and other irohas shippers cannot fathom the divine beauty of. We must make it our mission to convert the heathens to Yaldabaoth Yukino!

Protonstorm: Haha, I scoff at your claim. Bigger, better? Why indeed I would disagree; needing something in greater quantity indicates a lack of refinement in the material, a lack of substance. Just a pinch of sugar is all many foods need, for Iroha is a character that needs only moments to define her greatness while Yukino needs a much more substantial amount of time for, much like steak, she lacks the refined qualities that allow the sugar of Iroha to merely necessitate a small amount to achieve their goal.

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MaelwysSC113: Ah, but that is because anything more than a small amount of sugar is unappealing. It becomes a loathsome taste lingering about your tongue that can only be stopped by something worth its salt. Also, you “sugar” is visually bland and nondescript. Any peon could paint a terrible portrait of the divine Yukino and its beauty would still outshine that of your “sugar” because her true beauty shines through all things remotely related to her.

Protonstorm: But the sweetest of foods require a greater amount of sugar to increase their overall sweetness. An increased amount of sugar is hardly something inherently bad, rather, it is something that increases the quality of sweetness, should one desire more of sweet Iroha. You underestimate sugar in your claim of its lack of beauty, for when looked upon you can witness it’s crystalline perfection, the magnificent translucence of its sheen; a crystal is widely regarded as beautiful, much like Iroha, and this is hardly a claim one could make about steak.

Protonstorm: Take that, heathen.

MaelwysSC113: Sugar is just a run-of-the-mill, mass-produced product that has been bleached and had all of it’s fine natural qualities, textures, and beauties, stripped from it until all that is left is a uniform white crystalline substance that fits what it was designed to do. Steak is of a living, breathing muscle that had life pouring through it, and can give that life to others. Each piece is unique and different than the others, yet inherently the same in many aspects. The steak can choose how to be. It is multi-faceted, unlike the sugar which melts at the slights drop of water and runs away. The many levels of steak prove its dominance over sugar.

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Protonstorm: Much as you have described many types of steaks, sugar comes in many forms. It is not what it is, even, but what it creates. Iroha, with her magnificent power to forward the plot, is much like sugars magnificent power to forward to creation of other beautiful foods. While these foods can be the direct descendants, such as sweet rock candy, which is a beautiful multi-colored sweet formation made entirely of sugar, to the indirect descendants such as sweet lemonade in which sugar is just one ingredient, yet one that holds the key. Iroha’s strength lies in her ability to change and redefine others as well as create her own beauty, something that steak and Yukino severely lack due to the handicap of attempting to already be a complete product without aiding in the creation of others.

MaelwysSC113: But in existing only in a supplemental plane of the narrative, influencing the story and characters that people actually care about, Irohas is not actually a part of the core relationships of the show that makes it enjoyable

Protonstorm: He says, pretending that Iroha doesn’t directly affect and participate in the best parts.

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Confused? So was Maelwys, the poor fellow thought that Yukino somehow was better than Iroha. But you guys know who the best SNAFU character is, right?