There follows an excerpt from the script of an unproduced OAV/epilogue to the anime series The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. The veracity of the source cannot be confirmed, but its discovery is most timely in the context of AniTAY’s KyoAni appreciation week.

THE PSYCHOANALYSIS OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA ACT 1:

SCENE 1: Int. day.

A small school meeting room, sparsely furnished. Health promotion posters on the wall suggests it may be the nurse’s office. A middle-aged man in a suit sits at the desk, chewing a pencil. He is THE COUNSELLOR. He stares at the papers in a folder most intently, a furrowed look on his brow. He lifts his head as the door is knocked three times.

COUNSELLOR: Come in!

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In traipses five mismatched teenagers. KYON who looks more disheveled than usual. NAGATO YUKI who is expressionless. KOIZUMI ITSUKI who seems both distracted and smug at the same time. ASAHINA MIKURU trembles in terror. Finally, SUZUMIYA HARUHI who grins and bounces with energy.

HARUHI: I brought everyone together so it would be more fun! The SOS brigade works as a team, and I am its intrepid leader!

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KYON: *Rolls eyes*

THE COUNSELLOR motions them to sit in a semicircle of chairs to the side of his desk.

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COUNSELLOR: Thank you all so much for coming. Now, do you know why you’ve all been called here?

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NAGATO YUKI: *pregnant silence*

KYON: *sighs*

KOIZUMI: *smirks*

MIKURU: *whimpers*

HARUHI: We’ve all caused such waves at school with our amazing SOS Brigade activities that our boring head teacher thinks we’ve all gone crazy and need counselling. Of course, this is all part of my plan to further my goals. If we all seem crazy, then the real weirdos will soon flock to the clubroom! Hey, everyone! Start talking to the man or I’ll make you all dress as bunny girls again - and don’t think you’ll escape this time, KYON!

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THE COUNSELLOR: Sorry, which one’s KYON? I don’t have that name on my sheet here.

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KYON: That’d be me. I’d prefer it if you’d call me by my real name, it’s -

KYON is cut off immediately by HARUHI who jumps up and spins around theatrically.

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HARUHI: Who cares what his real name is? Everybody just calls him KYON. KYON KYON KYON KYON KYON! Baka! That’s your name now.

KYON: *Sighs* Whatever.

COUNSELLOR: Okayyyy. KYON it is then. Now why don’t you all tell me why you think you’re here. And HARUHI, I know you seem to be literally bursting to tell me more, but this is a group therapy session. We’ll all take turns.

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HARUHI *pouts*

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COUNSELLOR: Now... Miss Asahina. You seem to be the most nervous. Don’t worry, I won’t bite. How do you think I can help you today?

MIKURU glances sideways at HARUHI in obvious fear. She’s flinching as if expecting sudden violence.

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MIKURU: *whines*

COUNSELLOR: Ok, I can see this situation is making you very uncomfortable, but we don’t have that much time so we should really try and drill down to what has been bothering you all. The headmaster told me about your webpage of this... SOS Brigade, you call it? It’s... certainly something. Did you give permission for those pictures to be posted, Miss Asahina?

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MIKURU: P-pictures?

COUNSELLOR: These.

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He shows MIKURU monochrome printed pictures of her in a bunny costume and a maid’s outfit. Some of the positions are very... racy. HARUHI is prominently restraining MIKURU in some of them.

MIKURU: I... didn’t know these were online. Who put them there?

HARUHI: I did, of course!

KYON: How did you get those? I deleted them the minute I knew HARUHI had unleashed them on the page.

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COUNSELLOR: Google archives every webpage it indexes with a cached version. The pictures are still on the internet. Widely distributed.

KYON: Oh.

HARUHI: Stupid KYON!

MIKURU: *Starts to cry*

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HARUHI: You should be pleased! You’ve a great youthful body and you’re doing your job as SOS Brigade sexy-mascot-in-chief!

COUNSELLOR: *Rubs steam from his spectacle lenses* So I see that you have some problems with consent, Miss Asahina, or perhaps I should rephrase that to say Miss Suzumiya has an issue in gaining your consent. Would that be correct?

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MIKURU tries to somehow shrink further down into her seat.

HARUHI: I’m the brigade leader! I don’t need consent! These four are my henchmen to do with as I please, that’s the perk I get for being the leader! All the most successful societies are heavily stratified with strong leadership!

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COUNSELLOR: I’m beginning to get a picture here of the situation here, HARUHI. Does it ever cross your mind that perhaps these “henchmen” of yours don’t always see things your way? They have autonomy and free will, after all.

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HARUHI: I never claimed the SOS Brigade was democratic, but they could all leave at any time.

HARUHI stares hard at the other four. YUKI stares into space. MIKURU recoils. ITSUKI smirks and KYON sighs.

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COUNSELLOR: Now Miss Asahina, I hope you don’t mind me being forwards here, but I’m worried that you’re showing signs of emotional abuse.

HARUHI: Abuse? Ha ha ha! She loves it! Why else would she be here, day after day to be dressed up and paraded around in skimpy outfits for my entertainment?

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HARUHI jumps up, leaps behind MIKURU and grabs her breasts, yanking them upwards. MIKURU squeals.

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HARUHI: I mean, look at these. They’re huge! No-one with breasts this size could possibly be shy. It’s all an act! You don’t mind dressing up for me, do you MIKURU? Do you?

HARUHI tugs MIKURU’s chin up so her tear-stained eyes are facing upwards. HARUHI’s eyes are directly above hers. If this were a Yuri production, this image would be framed romantically.

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MIKURU: *whispers* No...

HARUHI drops MIKURU’s chin and bounces back to her seat, grinning.

HARUHI: See?

COUNSELLOR: HARUHI, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you perhaps attracted to other females? Are you and Miss Asahina in a relationship?

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What little colour there was drains from MIKURU’s face.

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HARUHI blushes and for a moment is silent. She steals a glance at KYON, hoping he doesn’t notice.

HARUHI: No - that’s not it.

COUNSELLOR: It’s just that you act so familiarly around Miss Asahina, that I’d be surprised anyone who wasn’t a romantic partner would touch her that way. Do you understand what I mean, Miss Suzumiya? About consent and how you don’t seem to respect or even understand the concept?

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HARUHI: I don’t like where this is going. This is getting boring. You won’t like me when I’m bored.

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ITSUKI’s expression suddenly changes from smug to panicked.

ITSUKI: KYON! Say something!

KYON: *stares daggers at ITSUKI.* Why me?

ITSUKI: Because you and HARUHI... You know...

KYON *trying desperately not to blush* I... Uh... I’m pretty sure Haruhi’s into guys. At least I know she dated a hell of a lot of them at the start of High School.

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ITSUKI *rolls eyes* *Whispers* That’s not what Miss Suzumiya wants you to say...

HARUHI’s cheeks start to burn red. She’s sulking. KYON gets the message and attempts to backtrack.

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KYON: Oh God, that’s not what I meant. I mean she’s never shown an interest in other girls like that - except MIKURU - but I expect that’s because she treats MIKURU more as a pet - or a doll - than a human being - Oh crap, I really need to stop talking now, don’t I?

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COUNSELLOR: *Looks from KYON to HARUHI and back again* Uh-huh. Sorry to bring up the elephant in the room, but how long have you two been seeing each other and do your friends here know about it?

HARUHI: WHAT? *Blushing intensifies*

KYON: *looks like he has swallowed a hedgehog and is trying to regurgitate it quietly*

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COUNSELLOR: Oh, I see. You haven’t actually discussed your obvious mutual feelings with each other. Sorry if I embarrassed you, but it’s my job as a psychoanalyst to notice things. Moving on! ITSUKI. You’ve been fairly quiet so far. What’s your role in this little group?

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ITSUKI: *smiles smugly while a bead of sweat appears on his forehead* I’m the deputy of the SOS Brigade.

COUNSELLOR: Interesting. Not KYON? Hmmm. Tell me, what, from your perspective, is the purpose of the SOS Brigade?

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ITSUKI: Well... Miss Suzumiya wants us to seek strange phenomena like time travellers, espers and aliens. So we... help her... do that.

COUNSELLOR: Fascinating. And how successful has this endeavor been so far?

ITSUKI: *smiles blankly*

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HARUHI: They’re all useless - they’ve not found anything.

COUNSELLOR: So you believe these abnormal phenomena exist, then?

HARUHI: This world wouldn’t be worth living in if they didn’t. I just have to find them.

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KYON: *coughs loudly, that hedgehog seems to be getting stuck deeper in*

COUNSELLOR: *looks at watch* Let me be straight with you guys. The school’s mental health budget is miniscule. They can only afford me for a few more minutes, so let me cut straight to the chase. Have you ever heard of the term “gaslighting”?

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KYON and ITSUKI *nods*

MIKURU *whimpers*

HARUHI *glowers*

YUKI *stares into space*

COUNSELLOR: It’s the term for when one of the partners in an abusive relationship exercises emotional control over another by undermining their sense of self and the validity of their personal experience. I think, each of you in your own way has been gaslighted by HARUHI here into following her schemes. Why else would otherwise excellent students like yourselves become involved in such bizarre activities?

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HARUHI: I object!

COUNSELLOR: This is not a court of law. Let me finish.

THE COUNSELLOR picks up a heavy bound volume with the letters DSM-IV on the spine. He starts to read aloud from it.

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COUNSELLOR: Personality disorder: An enduring pattern of inner experience and behaviour that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture. This is manifested in cognition (ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people and events), affectivity (range, intensity, liability and appropriateness of emotional response), interpersonal functioning and impulse control. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a wide range of personal and social situations. Its onset can be traced back to early adolescence. Sound familiar?

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KYON: Oh shit.

COUNSELLOR: Now I think HARUHI here would easily fit this diagnosis. Listen to these symptoms: Pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, failure to conform to social norms, impulsivity, irritability or aggressiveness, lack of remorse, intense episodic dysphoria, chronic feelings of emptiness, intense anger, a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), lack of empathy, a grandiose sense of self-importance, believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions), requires excessive admiration, has a sense of entitlement, is interpersonally exploitative, shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes, ideas of reference, odd beliefs or magical thinking, odd speech. These symptoms of HARUHI’s are a hodge-podge of Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizotypal Personality Disorders.

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There is a stunned silence in the room, broken only by:

HARUHI: *Jumps to her feet and stands accusingly, pointing her finger into THE COUNSELLOR’s face* You are a quack! I’m not sitting here any longer listening to this garbage. KYON! We’re going!

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She grabs his tie and yanks him to his feet as he resists.

KYON: HARUHI! Calm down just a minute. I agree he’s being a dick, but let’s listen to what he has to say.

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HARUHI: *tears form in her eyes* I thought... I thought you’d be different, KYON.

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She lets him drop back into his seat and she flees from the room.

KYON: *sighs*

COUNSELLOR: Ok. Now that the source of all the drama has gone, maybe I can focus on helping the rest of you extricate yourselves from HARUHI’s malign influence? You’ve not said very much so far, Miss Nagato. Why do you tolerate her behaviour?

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YUKI: *silently looks to KYON*

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COUNSELLOR: Interesting. It seems you all value KYON’s opinion above all else, even HARUHI does it, though I doubt she’s conscious of it. Why is this, KYON? Could it be that you are the real ringleader? Are you the one who really, truly wants an exciting life by attracting the weirdos?

KYON: I’ve been trying to keep quiet, Mr Counsellor, but I think you’ve gone a bit too far. I’ve even been keeping my inner monologue silent for once. I don’t think you realise what you’ve done.

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A shrill beeping alerts MIKURU who stands to attention.

MIKURU: *Gazing at what appears to be a wristwatch* Oh no. There’s a massive temporal disturbance - I have to go!

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She bolts out of the door.

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A red glow bathes the room as ITSUKI suddenly also jumps up. A soccerball-sized red orb glows above his outstretched palm.

COUNSELLOR: What’s that? Where did it come from?

ITSUKI: KYON - The biggest closed space yet discovered has opened up next to the school. I have to go - and you have to fix this - the world is at stake. This counselling session was a mistake. Sorry I didn’t do enough to prevent it.

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ITSUKI’s body glows red and he levitates and shoots out through the open window.

COUNSELLOR: What the...

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KYON: *Now also standing* What’s really funny is that I agree with everything you just said. HARUHI is difficult. She probably does have a personality disorder. The problem is, she’s a FRICKING ALL-POWERFUL GOD WITH A PERSONALITY DISORDER - who doesn’t realise she’s a god - and the four of us are the only ones keeping her from remaking this reality as she sees fit.

COUNSELLOR: *gibbers*

KYON: MIKURU is a time-traveller. ITSUKI is an esper.

COUNSELLOR: I-I suppose you’re an alien?

KYON: No, that’s YUKI there. I’m just a normal student and I’m going to have to run after HARUHI to fix this mess before we all die. YUKI?

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YUKI: *looks up* What do you command?

KYON: You can do your “Information Erasure” thing here to make this douche forget everything, can’t you?

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YUKI: *nods*

KYON: Do it. I’ll see you on the other side.

He runs out of the room.

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COUNSELLOR: *slumps, then looks at NAGATO YUKI* Wh-what are you doing?

YUKI: *Ignores him while her lips move at supersonic speed, emanating computer-esque gibberish as the room around her and the counsellor starts to fade*

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COUNSELLOR: What the hell is happen-

END OF SCENE 1

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Unfortunately no more material was recovered. We will have to imagine how KYON might placate HARUHI and save the world from his beloved insane goddess.

NOTE: The above is completely made up. As far as I am aware, KyoAni had not been working on any more Haruhi Suzumiya projects prior to the recent tragic fire that claimed the lives of 34 of their employees and injured many more. In rewatching Haruhi Season 1 in honour of KyoAni, I was inspired to write this random script using some of my medical background. I hope you found it amusing.

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Thank you, Kyoto Animation, for producing one of my favourite anime series, and I mourn the loss of each individual life and hope their families eventually find healing and peace.