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"The Middle of Nowhere - Wild Kansas" Anime - The AniTAY Report

Illustration for article titled iThe Middle of Nowhere - Wild Kansas/i Anime - The AniTAY Report

Here is my record and interpretation of an event that occurred in the AniTAY Chat. **DISCLAIMER** This is a wall of text which may not be entertaining for those not acquainted with the AniTAY Community. You can find a direct transcript here.

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Imagine that you walk down an old hallway to a door on your right that has a thin wooden door with a frosted glass window which reads, “Maelwys” with “AnitTAY’s Resident Investigative Reporter” beneath it. You open the door to a smoke filled room with the lights off, the only source of illumination coming from the early evening’s setting sun slanting in between the blinds of the window directly across the room from you. Between you and the window, however, there is a heavy oak desk, strewn with papers and folders. On the other side of the desk is a chair, not quite facing the window, but not facing desk either. You see a man, worn ragged from years in the business of other people’s business, reclining with a glass in his hand on the armrest. After glancing at he board on the wall to your right, covered with writing, pictures, and red yarn thumb-tacked to different points, you apologize for walking in, but you explain that you had knocked twice already and thought you heard mumbling inside, so you let yourself in. The chair turns, and an arm, heavy with the knowledge of things that have gone unseen by most, reaches up laggardly to turn on the desk lamp as the man tells you to state your business.

Now forget all that, because you’re on the internet, sitting at home or at work, maybe on your phone sitting on a park bench (which I may or may not live under), and you decided that you wanted something to read, ending up here. Welcome. Have a seat, and I’ll tell you about the things that go unseen by most.

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April 6th. It was late. Or early on the 7th, if you’re one of those people. A few members of the community were sitting around their respective communications terminals, commonly referred to as a “computer,” talking about the usual things - life, love, and anime - when those few bore witness to the birth of a legend. It all started, as many things do, with a coincidence...

Protonstorm made a comment to Krakken, pointing out that the Skype chat said he had been “typing for 5 minutes,” according to the witness. The accused quickly denied the claim, citing “making a .gif” as his alibi. Unable to confirm nor deny this, Proton chose to take him at his word and blame his own phone instead, theorizing that it might be yandere... When Krakken agreed, Storm-dere took offense and vehemently exclaimed “You can’t prove anything!” while Krakken disapprovingly thought of the ramifications of having a phone in his ever-expanding harem (it’s the beard). Proton shifts the blame to the All-Powerful Dex, who was purportedly framing him. A short verbal tennis match ensued between the two, alluding to harpoons and insides before the aforementioned Dex arrived on the scene, immediately holding his vast knowledge over Proton’s head as blackmail.

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In a simultaneous yet unrelated event, Rockmandash spouts some comment about something or other that amused him.

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Dex, using his vast database of knowledge, doles out scientific reasoning and proof that he knows more about Proton than previously expected. Moving through atomic theory chronologically, he flexes all of his mental ‘ceps and demonstrates his supreme command of science. In an attempt to use Dex’s prowess against him, Proton poses a question to disorient his attacker. In a cunning jab at Proton’s nobility, Dex refutes the inquiry and postulates that life is naught but a highschool anime, and that such nobles are the powerful members of the student council. Realizing that the powers-that-be have it out for him, Proton sees hope that he may have an advantage. This is when the magic of creation began.

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Then Rock, again, restated his feelings of amusement which sprouted from some article.

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Proton, seeing that he has been isolated from the group, draws the obvious conclusion that he is a main character, and the only person who can pilot a mech that the existence of may or may not conveniently be made known to him shortly, along with a harem of his own filled with tsunderes. He decides that the lead girl in said harem will be named Betsy Ross, who’s physical fortitude is only surpassed by that of her heart, but he has no doubts. Krakken tosses Proton a handy Survival Guide for his journey in Kansas. Oddly enough, Betsy’s sister’s name is Betsy Ross as well...a bit confusing, but not a major problem for the fearless MC. Betsy is jealous of her sister because she is closer and friendlier to Proton, so she spends most of her time with her friend Jennifer, who secretly likes Proton as well. Proton decided then that halfway through the first season, it would be revealed that her last name was also Ross, making things awkward for everyone.

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Taking in some comments from other people, Proton decides that the tentative name for the project will be “The Middle of Nowhere,” and that contrary to Exile’s proposition, his best guy friend does not also have the last name of Ross. In fact, his name is Tennison Hedgers, a good, strong name for an ex-con on the lam from the alien controlled government who has a dark past that he doesn’t like talking about. Betsy Ross finds this very attractive and likes Hedgers, as it turns out.

Which Betsy Ross, you ask? Well, good thing I was close enough to overhear the conversation, because as it turns out, both of the Betsy Rosses like Hedgers. With a little bit of world-building on the Kansas aspect of the show, Proton stipulated that any time someone got mad at Jennifer, they would say, “Jenny H. Ross, get off your big haus(horse with an accent).” A redacted comment from Dex evoked laughter and a claim of “source material” by Proton at this point.

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Jumping forward, **SPOILERS AHEAD** Proton decided that in the OVA, Tennison kills Jenny when he mistakes her for a group of bandits he killed back in the day. At the funeral, Betsy-senpai refuses to attend because she’s “too busy being tsundere,” but it’s not the last time she will see her friend... In the second season, Jenny comes back to life after the great invasion. “Great invasion?!” you say? Yes, great invasion. Your inexperienced eyes may not have seen the things that an old investigator’s have, but know this...Cows are mean creatures. And as such, they sought for dominance over the human race, apparently. Or maybe just Kansas. Who knows, I was kind of falling asleep at this point, but my investigative senses were still keen, I swear.

After Proton’s explanation of the great invasion, Krakken interjected that maybe something more plausible, like aliens abducting cows, could be the great invasion. Nonsense. This is madness. This is KANSAS. Dex postulated that only prairie dogs would invade a place so wild as Kansas, only to be shot down by the fact that prairie dogs are “good eats” when you “slice em up on a ritz.”

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Rock, for a third time posted a link. This time I took a brief respite from my observation and information-gathering to read about a guy named Rooke who rambles about VNs. An interesting read.

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Back in Kansas, Proton reveals that Betsy Ross Jr. doesn’t like to eat prairie dogs because, “y’all, they’re preeecious.” Despite Krakken’s best efforts to sway Proton into making Jr. a deredere, her character is firmly set as yandere. (We now take a brief intermission as Dex reminices about the origins of the conversation). In, fact, halfway through the second season, she stabs Proton with a rusty hatchet, though it was all just a misunderstanding. She intended to kill Tennison for murdering Jennifer, but mistakenly stabbed/chopped Proton, thinking he was Tennison. The fearless MC survives, gaining a “wicked scar” on his chest while being saved at the last second by a flying weasel named Sylvester.

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But that’s not what really happened, because flying weasels don’t exist. It was really Tennison cosplaying as a weasel named Lester. Odd coincidence? Nope. Tennison was trying out his new cosplay in preparation for his trip to attend the local weasel convention as a press reporter for his blog, “weasel-TAY” (a sub-blog of “Talk Amonst Y’allselves”). Turns out that the blog gets shut down because not enough people live in Kansas to read it, probably because of The Great Invasion of ‘15.

In season three (how is this being funded?), things get lively in Kansas again when Betsy Ross, of no relation to the previous Betsy Rosses, moves to town from the big city little apple - Manhattan, Kansas. To avoid confusion, the writers decide to nickname her Jennifer. They were drunk at the time. In a plot-twist-backstory-reveal-flashback caused by Tennison and Jennifer making eye contact across the plains, we learn that they know each other from the Jackal Wars, when Kansas was overrun by wild rabbits. Kansas sure gets taken over a lot.

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Taking a more poetic turn, Proton confirms that there is a town sheriff named Pauly Ted During a storm in the second season, he hits his head. The next morning he does not get out of bed. In fact, it turns out that he’s dead. His body then leaks a magical substance that turns Betsy Ross into a magical girl (don’t think too hard on that one). If you’re confused and don’t know which Betsy Ross, too bad. I’m not too sure the writers do either. She uses her powers to get all of her friends to elope. With rabbits. Oh, wait, no, it was together. So no rabbits. The cows must have killed all the rabbits, along with everything else, since Betsy and her friends are apparently the only things that live in Kansas.

Unfortunately, if you’re looking for a spin-off roadtrip season, you’ll have to write it yourself. Don’t worry, go ahead and publish it. It’s not like you have to worry about living up to the source material, all the writers were drunk, remember? Good, because they don’t.

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In this infinitely expanding cast, a new school teacher moves into town. Randomly digressing back to the population status of Kansas, Proton tells Dex that all the prairie dogs have been sliced up on a ritz, and the crickets went home because they were bored. How could they be bored with all the action going on? Something must have gotten lost in translation along the way...maybe they had a bad sub/dub. Also, most of the audience did the same. But probably not because of translation issues.

The dirt comes out on the production team as it is revealed that there are strong suspicions that one of the writers was sleeping with an investor, and that was the only reason they recieved funding for a third season.

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Back to the teacher. Her name is (can you guess?) Betsy Ross. She doesn’t know how to read. Don’t ask how. If you’re still questioning things at this point, you should just go home. You’ll be happier that way, I promise. Anyway, the first day of school (because this is a highschool SoL now) is spent “burying Pauly Ted’s desiccated body before someone tries to slice it up on ritz.” This was an edit to the original plan, because Proton, who moved from the story into the real world to become the Project Lead on the show, thought that the cable company sponsoring and broadcasting (Time Warner, it turns out, which explains the quality of the show) wouldn’t be okay with that scene. They probably would since they’re already affiliated with Satan, but better safe than sorry.

Speaking of safe, magical girl Betsy Ross, Jr. left her plot armor at home, it seems, because Tennison shoots her during the funeral. In pure defiance, she explodes, by choice mind you, into a giant cloud of magic dust that covers all of Kansas (The OVA “Betsy in Oz” was proposed at this point by Krakken). This dust causes the Second Dust Bowl, another major event to add to the long list of disasters in this show. In order to provide sustenance for themselves, people break out the guillotines and start to execute prairie dogs. Yes, they went extinct last season. No, the writers don’t care. They’ve been drunk for two years straight by now, remember? They still don’t.

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But don’t worry, one of the now-not-extinct-anymore prairie dogs is named...Betsy Ross. What else did you expect? The guillotine that was supposed to execute her “fails” and she is granted the ability to “pilot the strongest tractor.” Instead of raising a rebellion (Season 4), she makes a pilgrimage to the Little Apple to “get a masters degree in agricultural engineering.” There, she meets a girl, apparently, because the show decided to be “Yuri as hell in the third season,” according to Proton the no-longer-MC-and-current-Project-Lead. Of course, this was because the writer who was sleeping with an investor got “kicked to the curb and vows to forsake all men.” She’s also crazy.

In a hasty wrap up, totally unrelated to the events that transpired between the writer and investor, the show makes a hasty wrap-up to the show, with Betsy Ross graduating at the top of her class and returning home in her tractor. She then realizes that she hates the story and quits. The end. All the investors drop their funding and the project team is disbanded.

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Good news for those crazy individuals who want more of this- Krakken and I will be making a series of OVAs in which multiple universes are explored. In one, written by Krakken, there will be a “true” ending to the story. Here’s the summary- “One day one of the Betsies confesses her love to a guy named Krakken online... the next day a girl called YandereStorm shows up, and not knowing which Betsy Ross it is kills everyone, leaving the town a ghost town except for the prairie dogs.” In another OVA, we explore the fact that Betsy Ross the Prairie Dog is still there, regardless of her quitting or not. It turns out that she was the main character all along, but nobody knew until the third season. Then the multiverse collapses, and the two OVAs combine, causing death flags to pop up for the entire prairie dog community as YandereStorm shows up.

Merchandise will sell through the roof, I’m sure. There are even rumors that there will be 23 unique figures of Betsy Ross, but not Betsy Ross, Betsy Ross, or Betsy Ross. Jennifer might get one too, but we’re not sure which Jennifer yet.

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...and that is the kind of experience you witness every day when you’re in the business of other people’s business.

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