Hello and welcome to another Ani-TAY Interview! I am your host, Protonstorm, and today I have with me an especially talented guest, the writer of the Baka Guide series, Krakken_Unleashed!
Protonstorm: How are you today, Krakken?
Krakken_Unleashed: In the middle of exhaustively counting all uses of the term “Baka” in Anime, Im about at the 1970’s, and still have the tsundere explosion of the 90’s -2000’s in the future to look into. It’s tiring work.
Protonstorm: That sounds tough, but it’s for a good cause, I guess.
Protonstorm: I must ask though, what got you into writing the Baka Guides?
Krakken_Unleashed: The Baka Guides came from a deep conviction that all media is a fount of knowledge waiting to be found, but also from a realization that Otaku focused self help material, and research is incredibly rare. Which is terribly worrying as there are many facets of our culture that simply cannot be related easily to the non-otaku world at large. For example: How does one test the trustworthiness of a magical girl’s animal companion, I see no books or blogs on the subject anywhere.
Protonstorm: That is very true, but what makes YOU have the authority on the matter? What credentials do you have?
Krakken_Unleashed: Credentials are a cultural holdback from previous world philosophy and reason. I stake my claim on the fact that I wear glasses, which anime will tell you is the most essential part to a smart exposition heavy character, of which I emulate. <touches nose bridge on glasses (SHIIING!)>
Protonstorm: Hmmm, well it is true that in the end it’s results that matter...
Protonstorm: so I guess the best way to test you would be to offer you some examples so that you can give our readers some of your wisdom.
Krakken_Unleashed: Indeed the glorious Dexomega has called one of my guides “The greatest document ever” of which I am humbly proud. But as for wisdom, Its hard to know where to start. So I’ll cover a few basics: 1) When using a hot spring, double check the times when the girls and boys change pools, also to avoid unwanted surprises, place a motion detector by the door to alert yourself to any newcomers approach. 2) When in combat, powerful attacks are often precipitated by the overcoming of previous trauma. So I suggest keeping a list of traumas you’re wrestling with handy, in order to more efficiently activate the “reversal-of-fortunes” fighting style. 3) If you are ever asked to make an OP for the story of your life take careful observations of the circumstances as there is 62.3% chance of major spoilers for your life to pop up there (though there is a 24.8% chance it is completely irrelevant).
Protonstorm: Quite interesting advice, I’ll be sure to keep that last one in mind the next time my life is turned into an anime.
Krakken_Unleashed: All life is anime, that’s my point.
Protonstorm: But now I must ask, would you be able to handle situations that you are thrust into suddenly? Let’s put you knowledge to a test here. Basically, I’m going to give a hypothetical situation, and you’re going to tell our readers what the best solution is, based on your prior knowledge. Sound like a plan?
Krakken_Unleashed: Okay, though little could be as shocking as Evangelion’s episodes 25 + 26, I’m sure I can manage.
Krakken_Unleashed : except maybe Muv Luv...
Protonstorm: Alright, first question: You fall on top of your classmate and physics result in you grasping their breasts. What do you do?
Krakken_Unleashed: Conventional wisdom dictates that you wait for a panning shot length moment, squeeze and blush. However I’ve always disliked that approach. If I like or know the girl, I pretend not to notice and move out of the situation as quickly and completely as possible, if I don’t care for the girl, then I’d distract her with a comment on comparative breast sizes before running out of possible object range as fast as possible.
Protonstorm: The classmate is a man.
Krakken_Unleashed: Reverse Trap or man?
Krakken_Unleashed: then I’d pull a Sousuke Sagara, bring out a grenade, smoke bomb, or other distraction device, and act completely unflustered.
Krakken_Unleashed: Its my go to way of dealing with unwanted social pressure.
Protonstorm: Fair enough. Moving on, I have quick question before the next example.
Protonstorm: What are the symptoms of someone having a crush?
Krakken_Unleashed: In a girl... that depends on the type of Dere they are on the GAAT scale (General Anime Archetypes Test) Most common is facial coverage of the streaked blush, but can also include irritability, shyness, nonchalance and murderous tendencies. In males obliviousness, and unrequited pining are the most common, though one must be careful as Baka perverts due to their obsessions, also follow their affections closely, but that’s a very different diagnosis.
Protonstorm: Alright then, on that note I have the next hypothetical situation: You realize that a girl in your class has a crush on you, and that she’s, like, really really into you, what do you do?
Krakken_Unleashed: I suggest something trivial, like “can i borrow your pen” and watch their reaction. If I get hit, screamed at or rebuffed, I know she’s Tsun, shyness/clumsy shock is Dere, and if she hold it in a knife grip probably Yan.
Protontorm: And then what do you do once you’ve diagnosed her archetype? How do you move forward?
Krakken_Unleashed: That is dependent on a number of factors, 1) do I have a harem at the time and 2) did the Yandere flag raise. if I had a harem, I would immediately set about introducing her to the rest, possibly with some group activity. If I don’t have a harem, i would try to mollify tsuns or simply go on a date with the other Deres. If The Yandere flag was raised. I have found only 2 good options. the first to immediately file for protective custody, or the second is to double down on your affection and commitment to your new partner for life, scorning all others.
Protonstorm: she’s a relative.
Krakken_Unleashed: If she’s my sister or half sister, a good rap on the head, cousins are fair game though
Protonstorm: I see, interesting.
Protonstorm: Now, I have one final question, but first I must ask: when is it okay to use force?
Krakken_Unleashed: 1) if you’re a girl: anytime.
Krakken_Unleashed: 2) when facing evil, or harmful adversaries.
Krakken_Unleashed: 3) when comedy gods demand slapstick tension relief.
Krakken_Unleashed: 4) if the person in front of you is Slaine.
Protonstorm: That fourth point seems like the most important one.
Protonstorm: And on that note, the final situation: Your friend is being attacked by a guy with a sharp knife, he’s clearly trying to kill him. what do you do?
Krakken_Unleashed: Call out my signature move as loud as possible, works every time.
Protonstorm: But... turns out that guy is you from the future trying to kill your friend before he betrays you.
Krakken_Unleashed: He is not me, as his presence in my life already has changed me.
Protonstorm: But what will you do, knowing that your friend will betray you?
Krakken_Unleashed: The Power of Friendship can overcome everything, even the future.
Protonstorm: We shall see... for I have a special surprise actually!
To be continued...