ROBERT KRAFT’S FAVORITE ESTABLISHMENT, MASSACHUSETTS
I’m Bob Ley, you’re in the Situation Room.
Breaking now into MSNBC, we have word that the elite team of special operatives known as Rainbow Six has finally apprehended the man who was accused of using his “poo mouth” to propagate lies that an anime girl was innocent for listening to her delicate little heart.
Sources close to ESPN tell us that the special operations team cornered the suspect, one Mr. Dilbert Smidgen of D’Iberville, MS was cornered in the toy aisle at a PetSmart. Smidgen smiled and waved at operators and was immediately gunned down where he stood. Authorities proceeded to continuously fire at the man for the next fifteen minutes.
One of the operatives, Gustave “Doc” Kateb was asked about the event, as PetSmart security footage shows Smidgen being applied medical attention by Kateb three times just so the operatives could fire at the man again.
“My only regret,” Kateb says, “is that I only was able to do it three times.”
Footage shows Rainbow Six crawling over the body of Smidgen for several minutes, going prone and standing up, repeating these movements several times. Outrage across one nearby Publix from a homeless man who saw the whole thing:
“Why do they call themselves Rainbow Six if there were only five of them?”
Indeed, it is safe to say justice has been served and no one will miss Mr. Dilbert Smidgen. Back to you Anderson Cooper.