Souma Would Weep Tears of Blood

Good-news-bad-news time. The good news is, God exists! The bad news is, he hates you all and wants to see you suffer. As proof of this, Cooking With Raitzeno is back with a second entry. QED.

Today I am gonna show you how to fuck up Ramen!

Everyone knows packaged ramen is what college students and Liberal Arts major graduates eat while saving money to move out of their parents’ basement. Or their own basement. Either way, costs have to be cut somewhere, and fuck you, stomach, you never do anything but grumble. Your opinion is shit, and you express it daily. Garbage in, garbage out, viva la ramen.


Many people add new and exciting things to packaged ramen to try and salvage it as an actual food item rather than a last-ditch anti-starvation measure. They usually fail. It becomes an anti-starvation measure with other shit on top. FUCK THAT. The entire point of ramen is to cut costs. I am going to show you the ultimate way to do that.

Step 1: You know that pot you always use to cook ramen in? Leave it in your fucking cabinet. You don’t need it. Don’t listen to its crying. It’s faking it.


Step 2: Go to your local Wal-Mart. No, not some other store that doesn’t exploit the entire goddamn planet for profit. Wal-Mart is FUCKING CHEAP and that’s the true essence of ramen.

Step 3: Pick up one of THESE bad motherfuckers:

Illustration for article titled Souma Would Weep Tears of Blood

(I had to get a picture off the internet, since I threw away the colorful wrapper. Tough shit.)

(Also it is lying about reducing sodium. It tells you to use half the sauce packet. FUCK YOU, HEALTHY OPTIONS. Nobody asked your hippie ass. We are living to die.)


Step 4: Go home. Assuming the other people living there, if any, have not caught wind of this and locked you out. I don’t blame them. (I blame you. It’s all your fault. Always.)

Step 5: Take the ramen cooker out of the package. I know this is hard for you to wrap your head around. I’ll wait for you to catch up. ..... For fuck’s sake, put a bandage on that. You’re even worse than I thought.


Step 6: INGREDIENTS, ASSEMBLE! Let’s face reality, this is the closest you’ll ever get to being part of a superhero team. You loser. Take the ramen noodles out of the package. Set aside the flavor packet. You’ll need it later. (Don’t snort it. There’re easier ways to kill yourself, though admittedly this one IS pretty cost-efficient.) Put the block of ramen noodles in the cooker, as-is. Pour water up to the fill line. That’s all the ingredients. Your superhero team sucks ass.

Step 7: Microwave it for about three and a half minutes. Maybe more, maybe less. Maybe your microwave is a piece of shit. Verbal abuse helps electronics work better, this is a proven fact. Shout at your microwave while it is cooking. Remind it that its mother is a whore.


EMERGENCY EDIT: STEP 7.5: DON’T PUT THE FUCKING FLAVOR PACKET IN THE MICROWAVE. God dammit, Protonstorm. I know you wanna cook for your ‘beloved’ but you’re gonna burn the fucking house down again. The flavor packet is made of aluminum foil; unlike a cat or a love rival, putting foil into the microwave is NOT a good idea.

Step 8: Take the cooker out of the microwave. The handles on the side shouldn’t be too terribly hot, which is good cause even cheap ramen is an extra costs when you dump it all on the floor with burnt hands, you clumsy shitkicker.


Step 9: Open the flavor packet. Pour it into the cooker. Stir everything. It should look like a soggy mess, and depending on your flavor of choice, may also look like the inside of a toilet bowl. This is normal, and also what you deserve.

Illustration for article titled Souma Would Weep Tears of Blood

(If it looks like something a ramen stall would serve your dog after it pissed on their wheels, you’re doing it “right”. By which I mean you are failing at everything you do, especially cooking, but have managed to follow my directions properly - likely by accident.)

Step 10: Kill yourself. No, seriously, you’re eating a goddamned package of ramen with nothing extra in it that you couldn’t even be arsed to put on the stove. Why do you cling to this pathetic existence? End it.


Step 11: I guess if you -must- survive another few hours, you can put this in your mouth. I’d really prefer you didn’t. Not because it tastes bad, but because I’d like to be rid of you sooner.

You get more than one picture this time. Are you happy? You shouldn’t be happy. These are shitty pictures. You should feel bad. But not here. Go feel bad in your room, all alone. Forever.



You use less water.

You don’t have to wash a pot. Jut rinse the sumbitch out.

You don’t have to wash a bowl, either. You can eat this slop right outta the cooker.


If you break this cheap plastic shitpile, you can buy a new one at Wal-Mart for like 5 fucking dollars.


You can’t even wait for water to boil. You impatient dick.

You use less water and the same amount of flavor packet. Holy hell is it salty.

Microwaving noodles makes them uneven in texture sometimes. More so if you touch yourself at night.


You’re taking cooking lessons from Raitzeno. Again. What the fuck is wrong with you? LEARN from your mistakes.

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