Behold! The best anime of 2015!
Here is my record and interpretation of an event that occurred in the AniTAY Chat. **DISCLAIMER** This is a wall of text which may not be entertaining for those not acquainted with the AniTAY Community. You can find a direct transcript here. Some parts have been redacted to maintain the secrecy of “The Power of Dex.”
Imagine that you walk down an old hallway to a door on your right that has a thin wooden door with a frosted glass window which reads, “Maelwys” with “AnitTAY’s Conspiracy Theorist” beneath it. You open the door to a smoke filled room with the lights in a quantum state of indeterminacy, the only observable source of illumination coming from the early evening’s setting sun slanting in between the blinds of the window directly across the room from you...this intro seems strangely familiar to you... you become aware that you are dreaming. My attempt at inception has failed, and the dream-state is collapsing! Hurry and read the rest of the article before Rocknet hits and the dream is lost forever!
A long, long time ago, in a Skype chat far away, the mythos of the All-Powerful Dex-sama was being discussed during the prime hours of the night (17:00, 19:00, 23:00). During this telling of the lore, Dex himself commented on the oddity of his personal description - a cross-dressing magic girl with twintails. Krakken shouts, “LOVE SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!,” one of the mighty powers Dex wields as such a fearsome and deadly creature. It turns out that Dex’s rise to power began on a rainy Sunday, like any great tale should.
Dex was sitting down for a nice breakfast, eating toast (editor’s note: Krakken point out that toast isn’t meant to be eaten as a normal breakfast, but eaten while you rn out the door because you’re late as always) while standing in front of a mirror. There are already plot holes, as you can see with the stand/sit situation, but let’s gloss over that for now. More importantly, the reflection pulled Dex in and transported him into an alternate plane of existence. That plane landed in a place called “Jersey Shore” and forcibly disembarked its single passenger with a nice shove. It turns out that Dex’s toast came through with him as well, and it’s alive. Dex names it Sprinkles. Because Dex loves Poptarts. Don’t ask.
Proton reveals that the game “I Am Bread” is actually a hype gimmick for this anime, surprisingly. Dex and Sprinkles the toast roam around Jersey Shore and everything is going swimmingly, when suddenly they find themselves in the wrong side of town. Sprinkles the toast takes it all in, and decides that after seeing this “dark underbelly of the Jersey Shore,” to “turn its back on the buttered side of the force.”
I despair as I have not finished writing the Wild Kansas article yet at the time of this conversation.
The toast rises through the ranks in life and ascends to power “at the right hand side of the Obamas’ balanced breakfast.” Dex resolves himself to defeat the toast, but first must go in search of other magical girls to help him defeat it. He travels across the land, searching far and wide - each girl to understand, the power that’s inside. DEX-O-ME-GA!! GOTTA CATCH ‘EM...oh, wait...this isn’t that... Anyways, back to the story, Dex assembles a “crack squad to invade the White House.” I hope that doesn’t mean they smoke crack.
Now we meet the team - One, a hard-boiled egg named Toast. He lived on the streets of Brooklyn before getting a job at a nuclear power plant and becoming sentient. It is unclear how it got a job before it was sentient, but hey, maybe it was just better at doing the job. The production studio is still hurting financially from Wild Kansas, so the writers aren’t actually getting paid. They’ve just been receiving fake paychecks to make them think they’re getting money (don’t tell them, they still haven’t figured it out).
The story takes a moment to be all meta (probably a 3 on the Meta Meter) and we get a look into Dex’s life as we figure out that he has a man on the inside - his mom’s cousin. Taking this piece of information and running with it, Proton inquires what gender the family relation is. Dex responds with the flattering statement that he’s a pretty awesome guy “that doesn’t afraid of anything.” With such a unique and moving character backstory, Dex is obviously going to be the best MC this season.
Dex’s second companion is Ralphy, “a gangster...who knows how to play tough but has a terrible allergy to cats.” Next is possibly the most realistic, well-developed character to ever have graced an anime, Arigatou. Arigatou is a French guy who only speaks Italian. Family dinner is tough at his house.
I worry as I have to take a leave of absence for a short while, but will return later and catch up to the story. I also make a promise to write this up “right after” I finish Wild Kansas, which obviously means the day before I need to have it done by.
Arigatou is the team’s communications specialist. As the crew scopes out the White House, Toast spots a guard, and everybody ducks for cover. In the mad rush to hide, Dex bumps into his cousin because it’s dark, falling on him in the “accidental boob-grab position.” In true tsundere fashion, after the awkward moment for a wide pan of the camera to capture the situation, Dex’s cousin slaps him in the face, yells “Baka,” and, logically, shoots Toast right in the face. Kaizival is pleased with the fanservice. “Do it for the plot,” he says.
What’s that? You say Toast got shot? Oh, yeah. He did. But it’s ok, because “luckily that son of a bitch is hard-boiled, and he can take a hit.” The bullet may not physically effect him, but it was cursed with ‘democracy,’ and he “starts to spout crap about equal representation before long.” Dex uses his magical powers to capture his cousin before they are reported. Naturally, they take him back to the lab that they apparently had for testing. He is given a scantron and No. 3 pencil. As an interrogation technique this works flawlessly as he has flashbacks to highschool where he dropped out because he didn’t use a No. 2 pencil on his test. Arigatou comes in to do the real interrogation, but even though Dex’s cousin is utterly broken already, Arigatou can’t seem to get him to talk, as if there’s some sort of language barrier. Eventually, the cousin develops Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with Dex, joining his ever-growing harem.
In order to keep this show as open to all audiences as possible, the creators decide to have a plot twist - Dex’s cousin isn’t actually Dex’s cousin, but actually “a clone made by the evil swag master gatekeeper of Obama, Joe Biden’ his time.”
As it turns out, the clone was made to “harness the ultimate power of the cat.” More specifically, the “cat fist,” and not “something more nippy,” as Kaizival suggested. Sprinkles’ masterplan is to “tie himself to a cat and generate unlimited energy because toast always falls on the buttery side while cats always land on their feet.” Using this energy, he will cover the entire world with Nutella. Dex learns all of this from the clone made by Joe Biden’ His Time, which makes Dex wonder what Joe’s part in all of this is...it smells like a conspiracy. After stating this information, the clone then attempts to seduce Dex, but it has no effect! To close off the possibility of a yandere forming in the clone’s personality processor, the writers decide it’s best if he dies, so the clone is “accidentally” killed by Ralphy while he is playing pool with Arigatou and they get into an argument over who’s turn it is. It’s amazing the things they have in D.C. these days, right? Pool tables on the sidewalks by the White House? What’s next, a fooseball table?
Unbeknownst to Dex, the person who loves him even more than the clone is none other than...Arigatou. Arigatou has trouble expressing his feelings (I wonder why), even though he knows one of the so-called “love languages.” The night before the final plan to attach the cat begins, there is a slice of life episode where Arigatou takes Dex out to the town for a fun time. They visit a taco shop, but due to the Obamas’ new healthy food laws created to “torture students into submission,” all they serve is toast. Arigatou, emotionally distraught by the date falling apart, has a break down and reverts to only speaking in Latin (if you’re keeping track, that makes him a French guy with a Japanese name who only speaks Italian, except for now when he speaks Latin).
Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding when Dex tries to tell Arigatou “carpe diem,” a fish merchant gets offended at the mention of carp and “hits him in the head with a whole loaf of toast.” Yes a loaf of toast. Anybody got any problems with that? No? Good, moving on.
The fish merchant’s loaf of toast breaks, and he (rightfully) becomes infuriated because it took him days to fish that much bread out of the ocean. Dex chooses to avoid a confrontation (as there is some unspoken history involving the two guys, carp, and a weekend to remember) and instead hightail it out of there. While running, Arigatou finds it soothing to sing a Latin hymn, and it surprisingly help him with breath control and pacing. Turns out that the rest of the soundtrack is just Arigatou signing Latin hymns, a choice that definitely wasn’t made because of “budget cuts” (the workers are actually getting payed, but their pay was halved, because why not?).
The next day, the team busts into the White House and meats their fist foe - Joe Biden’ His Time. He has the power to control time, and uses it “to fondle our heroes because he’s secretly a perv.” In response to this unbeatable foe, Dex uses his strongest attribute (with a stat roll of 174,398,547,104,385,113,852, even though he used a d6. Dex is just that powerful) - “Infinite Power Climb.” He then “shouts the magic words ‘heeeeeeeeeentaiiiii!!!!!’” and Biden disappears...but is he really defeated?
The team then proceeds through the White House squashing any poor soul to dares defy their advance, or just accidentally gets in the way (Dex doesn’t discriminate), with Toast as the point man. Dex takes a short break to grab a snack, because fueling Infinite Power Climb sure works up an appetite. As Dex gets to Obama’s room, “his eyes are met with a scene of carnage” -
TOAST IS BEING EATEN BY OBAMA, who is chained to Sprinkles in the Oval office. Dex uses his “ultimate trap card,” (no, it isn’t Kai, for once) “Balanced Budget” to summon a familiar. Dex then throws the familiar out the window and “Obama lunges to grab it, desperate, and falls” out of the broken window. Then an unfortunate event happens (to avoid being put on an NSA watch list, I will leave this part out of this ‘official report,’ but it will still be in the conversation’s transcript). Sprinkles laugh maniacally and transforms suddenly, no longer “mere toast.” His surface is not buttery anymore, but covered with a smooth chocolate hazelnut blend.
Kai foolishly points out that Sprinkles was chained to Obama and should have gone out the window as well. Silly Kai. The writers aren’t paid, this is a sub-blog of a sub-blog.
A brief moment is spent in mourning over Toast’s dead body with a bite taken out of it. Dex struggles to put him back together again, but much like his brother Humpty Dumpty, it was a lost cause. Arigatou joins Dex in mourning, but “has a hard time expressing his sorrows for some odd reason.” Instead, Arigatou gives a very moving soliloquy consisting entirely of “poi.”
Reinvigorated by Arigatou’s moving yet incomprehensible speach of pois, Dex uses his super-strength to throw Ralphy at Sprinkles. The villain is eaten in one bite, but because he is covered with Nutella, he is no longer part of a healthy balanced breakfast and Ralphy “puts on weight before dying for literally no reason” in a quick wrap-up episode. Everyone goes home and in a montage of still frame shots, their lives post-Toast are illustrated. Dex decides to open up a maid cafe in California called “The Rooky-doodle-doo.” A memorial was built to honor the sacrifices made by Toast - The Musuem of Noble Toast (TMNT, not to be confused with T.M.N.T., or TMNT). Arigaou becomes a heart surgeon. Nobody else is shown because they either died or, let’s be honest, weren’t important because they weren’t Dex, Toast, or Arigatou.
or is it?