KOGANEI, TOKYO - Famous alchemists, in collaboration with equally famed animation studio Studio Ghibli, have successfully resurrected Satoshi Kon, director of animated movies such as Tokyo Godfathers and Paprika.
“We plan to produce a whole new slew of animated productions under the guiding light of the esteemed Mr. Kon,” Koji Hoshino, executive director and president of the studio announced. “As I’m sure you’re all aware, alchemy has little to no consequences, so one day I thought ‘I like money’, and here we are.”
“Satoshi is attached to these puppet strings here,” Hayao Miyazaki, famed director of many of the studio’s most popular anime, explained to reporters. “See, if I turn this to the right, he moves to the right. And if I jerk to the left, push up a bit, and then pull back and swerve right, that means ‘go produce award-winning anime’.”
Reporters on the scene couldn’t resist letting out cheers as Satoshi Kon screened a new production.
“I would literally sell my children to buy the blu-ray of this,” one reporter remarked.
“Funny you mention that,” Miyazaki replied. “We actually need children to serve as blood sacrifices in order to continue to animate Satoshi’s body.”
Not all were pleased by this announcement, however.
“Satoshi Kon’s movies were like 6/10,” one loser nerd with wrong opinions told me. “I wouldn’t go to watch this if they PAID me. Unless that’s actually a thing, because I really need money right now.”
“Why the fuck are you asking me about Chinese cartoons?” Michael Bay said when asked for comment.
“I don’t know who ‘Michael Bay’ is, but as I’ve said before, otaku like that one guy are what is ruining modern anime,” Miyazaki said, responding to the detractors.
Debates on the ethics of such dark magic have also surfaced, as some critics claim that reanimating Kon’s body could set a bad precedent for the future.
“I mean, it’s great that they are making more Kon movies,” one environmentalist said, “But we run the risk of eternally keeping bad directors alive to make shit anime. Also, doesn’t Miyazaki fear being brought back from the dead himself?”
“Let’s put it this way,” Miyazaki replied. “If they can’t get me to direct anime now while I’m alive, there’s no way it will work when I’m dead.”
While the verdict is still out on the ethics of alchemy on the human body, one thing is for certain: Miyazaki will definitely probably not produce more anime.