KANTO, JAPAN: Today, investigators with the Yokohama police force captured a European man named Lighter Yagami in Tokyo with a mysterious book called the “Death Note”.
Suspicions of Yagami were initially raised when a neighbor reported the man on suspicions of murder.
“He had a sign that read KILL ALL THE WEEBS draped like a banner outside of his house, and when I asked him to remove it, he threatened to write my waifu’s name in his book!” sobbed Tatsuya Tanaka. “WHY’D HE HAVE TO RUIN MUMEI?! DON’T LET THE FLAME DIE OUT!”
Upon his capture, police were able to obtain a solid confession from the boy.
“I’ve been using this book to write down the names of waifus. Any waifu whose name I write down in here has their show ruined in approximately six episodes unless I otherwise describe their downfall,” he confessed.
Police promptly released Tetsuro Araki from prison after this stunning realization was made. Mr. Araki had been imprisoned for the past year for his production of Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress, an anime that went south quickly after its sixth episode for reasons unknown.
When asked about his plans for his newfound freedom, Araki said, “I plan to direct season 2 of Attack on Titan.” It is still unclear how much the Death Note actually did in the case of Kabaneri.
Police began to write down a registry of the individuals harmed by Yagami’s actions.
“No, I’m not responsible for Sword Art Online,” Yagami insisted repeatedly. “That one’s on you guys.”