Cooking With Raitzeno: Keep It Simple, Stupid

Given certain recent events, I find that I must reevaluate the way I write cooking articles. Namely, I have gravely overestimated humanity’s intelligence. Therefore, this is a SPECIAL EDITION wherein I will be showing you how to make a snack whose degree of difficulty more correctly corresponds to the average intellect of our society.

Illustration for article titled Cooking With Raitzeno: Keep It Simple, Stupid

Step 1: Pop off the plastic top. Unless you’re Chris Christie-sized, you should attempt to leave the top in one piece, as it’s unlikely you’ll finish the entire thing.

Step 2: Peel off the foil. Most cans of frosting have a foil covering inside.

Step 2.5: Some cans of frosting have sprinkles included. Set these aside for later.


Step 3: Grab a plastic spoon.

Step 4: Shovel frosting into your mouth.

Step 5: Repeat Step 4 until you feel queasy.

Step 6: Cry.

Step 7: Put the top back on the can, and stick it in the fridge.

Step 7.5: If your can of frosting came with a packet of sprinkles, open them up. Snort them.


Step 7.75: No, do not crush them first. This is meant to be a permanent escape, not a sugar rush. Why the fuck did you buy the kind with sprinkles anyway, you— Oh. Right. You’re human, and therefore an idiot.

Now get out of my house. And possibly my country.

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