Cooking With Raitzeno: Flirting with Death, My Yandere Waifu

It’s baaaaaaaaaaaack. Okay probably not back for very long, but this should be morbidly entertaining, more so than usual.

So! Despite my complete and utter lack of CWR articles for... holy shit, over two years, I’m not dead! But I may soon be after today’s session. We’ll see!

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Illustration for article titled Cooking With Raitzeno: Flirting with Death, My Yandere Waifu
Photo: Raitzeno

Today’s dish: Cheese tortellini with cheese sauce. Sounds innocuous enough, right? Of course it is! So let’s jump right into it.

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Step 1: Boil water. Look, I know I haven’t been here to baby you for two fucking years, but surely you remember how to turn on your fucking stove, right?! Leave some room for the water to bubble up, as well as enough for the displacement when you dump the noodles in. ..... DISPLACEMENT. It means the noodles push more water out. Your high school teachers have failed you.

Anyway, throwing a handful of salt in there is optional but encouraged, unlike most of what you’ve done with your life.

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Empty bag shown because I only realized this would be an article after the fact. You’ll fuckin’ see.
Empty bag shown because I only realized this would be an article after the fact. You’ll fuckin’ see.
Photo: Raitzeno

Step 2: Once it’s boiling, turn the heat down a bit. Throw in your solid block of frozen tortellini. You might have to smash it down a bit to fit it in your pot, or just let it sit on the counter while your water boils. No, we’re not using fresh pasta. Have you been paying ANY attention to this series? Fuck that level of effort and/or quality.

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Step 3: Let it boil for however long the directions say. Mine’s 3-5 minutes, I usually toss it in for 4.

Step 4: Drain the water out in whatever way you have available. I used a colander. ..... The big plastic bowl with small holes all over it. Yes, those are supposed to be there, holy fuck you’re full of questions today.

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Step 5: Pour the sauce over it. What do you mean the sauce isn’t ready? You didn’t start it at the same time? Welp, time to let your noodles sit in the drainer like the broken remains of your dreams while you try to make a veneer of decency to cover ‘em up. This should be second nature by now.

Illustration for article titled Cooking With Raitzeno: Flirting with Death, My Yandere Waifu
Photo: Raitzeno
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Turns out, no, I didn’t fucking start the sauce at the same time. I only realized about 2:30 into my 4:00 timer that sauce might be a good idea. So I went cabinet fishing and found a packet of cheese sauce. Hooray!

Step A-1: Get another, smaller pot. Pour the packet contents into 1+1/2 cup of milk. (I used half and half because we’re fresh out of milk. You’ll notice a theme here. It will continue.) Whisk it up a bit, then add 1 tbsp of margarine/butter. (Again, we were out of the usual stuff. We had half a stick of Kerrygold buried in the fridge. It’ll do, and probably better than the usual stuff, honestly.)

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Step A-2: Boil that shit while stirring constantly. Keep going until you see a full rolling boil. Once it’s fully boiling, turn the heat down and let it simmer for an amount of time suggested by the packet, 5 minutes in my case. “Or until reasonably thick.” Wait. What?

Mine’s been thick for the last minute and a half of stirring. I only saw the boil when I stopped stirring to check the directions. Fuck.

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Okay. Fine. Go ahead and set the timer for five minutes anyway. Keep stirring because now it’s definitely gonna burn and stick to the pan if you stop for even a moment. Dammit.

Step A-3: Okay, there’s the timer, take it off the heat.

Step 6: Pour the noodles into a bowl. Pour the cheese sauce over it. Try to distribute it evenly, unlike your parents’ love amongst you and your siblings.

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Step 7: Eat. Cry. If you didn’t put enough salt in the pot at the beginning, your tears will have to do, as usual.

Step 8: Clean up after yourself, you fucking slob. And while I’m mimicking your mother, get a job while you’re at it. A real job, not that shitty one that pays the bills, but one that’ll let you support me in my old age, so I’ll live until long past when you were supposed to retire and get similar treatment.

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Step Oh Fuck: By the way, did you stop to actually look at anything other than box art and directions on any of your ingredients at any point in this process? Because I fucking didn’t.

Let’s play a rousing game of What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Illustration for article titled Cooking With Raitzeno: Flirting with Death, My Yandere Waifu
Photo: Raitzeno
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I sure as hell hope this meal was a good warmup for my stomach, because I think it’s about to get a workout. See you in six months when I manage to crawl off the shitter, folks!

Love, Everlasting hatred for everything that has ever existed or ever will,

-Raitzeno

(P.S. Considering that it was a dried-out, sealed packet, and that I not only cooked the sauce but did indeed overcook it and burn a good chunk of it to the inside of the pot, I’ll probably be fine. Just in case you were wondering.)

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