A DARK SECLUDED CORNER OF THE INTERNET - News has just broken that AniTAY author Gugsy has died, and not of natural causes.
“I came into the office, and he was just lying on the floor dead,” Rockmandash12 said. “I have no idea how it happened.”
Before I could ask him any questions, I noticed blood dripping from his hands. We stared at each other for a minute.
“This is paint,” he explained, before quickly walking away.
“I really don’t know who killed him,” author Maelwys said when asked.
“You mean you can’t see a motive?” I inquired.
“Well, no,” Maelwys replied. “It’s just that I don’t know which motive prevailed first.”
“If he wasn’t already dead, I would’ve done the deed myself,” admin Dexomega told reporters. “Not that I did kill him or anything, but I would have done it with poison. And it would have been in his coffee mug.”
Indeed, Gugsy is known to sip various substances from time to time, often with a spoonful or two or salt. That very day, he was found dead with one such mug, and the liquid oozing from the container had a strange purple hue to it.
“If I had killed him, it would have been by strangulation,” AniTAY community member Requiem said.
“I would have shot him five times in the chest,” Exile, another author for the site, chimed in.
“I would have beaten him with a shovel.”
“I would have stabbed him, cut off his limbs, and danced on his body.”
The responses from authors were slightly overwhelming, so this reporter had to step out for a moment to consult with forensics.
“The problem with this case,” the forensics expert began, “Is not to determine the cause of death but to determine the most significant cause of death.”
When I asked what he meant, he specified: “The problem is that this isn’t cut-and-dry. What we are looking at here is a man who was stabbed, shot five times, poisoned, strangled, and beaten with some sort of blunt object, maybe a shovel.”
Gugsy’s primary cause of death remains uncertain, but the motive might have something to do with his contrarian ways.
“He’s a whiny bitch,” Rockmandash12 told reporters. “One time, I told him his opinion was bad and he compared me to a rock that simmers soup, saying to ‘simmer down rock’. I’m not a rock. I don’t simmer. And I definitely wouldn’t want any part in making his salty soups.”
“The dude was a verifiable salt shaker,” author Nomadic Dec told me. “Like, literally, I could shake him and salt would go flying everywhere. It was disgusting. Not as disgusting as his shit taste in anime though.”
It’s hard to say which AniTAY author got to him first, but if there’s one thing for certain, it’s that this reporter definitely didn’t electrocute him. Also, Gugsy is dead. That is also certain.