Tokyo, March 30th 2020
Kōichi Hagiuda, Japan’s Minister of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology, today instructed citizens to look to the previously derided outcast demographic known as “hikikomori” (shut-ins) as paragons of anti-social virtue during the current COVID-19 pandemic.
“For years, Japanese families have mourned their lost sons, locked eternally in their bedrooms, consuming vast quantities of anime, dedicating their lives to MMORPGs and subsisting only on endless supplies of cup ramen. Today, your government says not to mourn, but to emulate. For these strongly-smelling family members whose faces you may not have seen since their childhoods decades ago have grown wise in the face of perpetual isolation. They have remained sane through years of voluntary lock-down, their youth drifting away like lotus blossoms on the breeze, and now we must beseech them for advice on how as individuals, families and as a culture we may survive the long months of social isolation ahead.”
Haguida continued with an anecdote from his own life. “My nephew Haruta locked himself in his bedroom in the second year of High School and has never left since. His mother diligently posts meals through a slot under his door three times a day. He will not communicate with his family except via avatar text conversations on Final Fantasy XIV online. I have for the first time created my own avatar and have spent all of my spare time furiously leveling so that my nephew will talk to me. Such personal sacrifices may be required of all of you if you are to receive these sages’ wisdom.”
“Haruta has informed me of the most essential anime to consume during this unprecedented period in our country’s history. I have found Welcome to the NHK to be most instructive and he tells me that No Game No Life and Chaos;Head are essential viewing, though apparently the visual novel of the latter is a superior, and more importantly, lengthier version of the story.”
He concluded his speech by stating “I leave you now to further level my character as once I reach level 30, Haruta will share his best recommendations for hentai games. I hope to pass this information on to the people soon, as anything we can do to get our young men and women “in the mood” will help increase our birth rate during this extended shutdown and in doing so secure the future of our country.”
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