MUSASHINO, TOKYO - Live from the offices of Wit Studio, news is breaking both expectations and hearts as the studio has announced that production on Attack on Titan season 2 is delayed until the collective internet stops being a bunch of assholes.
“It’s been a rough couple of years since we first produced Attack on Titan,” director Tetsurou Araki said via live stream. “At first, there was this weird masturbatory cycle of absolute worship. I was mailed love letters and flowers by the dozen, and was a real stallion with the wife.”
“Unfortunately,” he continued, “Eventually people decided that it was shit and the hate started flowing like the Niagara Falls. The love notes turned to death threats. The flowers were thorny. My wife left me.”
Because of the continued insults, the studio is putting the project on hold.
“I’m going to be honest,” Sabishii Kawaisou, one of the animators on the project, reportedly said. “I thought the show was bad too, but the continued stabbings in public places has got to stop. I only have so much blood in my body.”
Many fans were upset by this announcement. “I can’t stop crying,” one told me. “I literally watch Attack on Titan every three days and have done so for years. If I don’t get a new season soon, it might get boring.”
“This pisses me off, but I’ll never stop loving Attack on Titan,” another fan announced. “I plan to start a Kickstarter to fund the anime, with all proceeds going to mysterious offshore Swiss bank accounts.”
Not everyone was upset, however.
“Attack on Titan is without a doubt the worst thing to happen to this world since 9/11,” one self-identified anime expert informed me. “I actively wish for it not to exist every day, and it seems my waifu has granted my prayers.”
“I thought the anime was good at first, but much like my marriage it turned out to be a sham,” Araki’s wife told reporters. “I looked him dead in the eyes one day and told him I couldn’t handle being married to Frankenstein anymore.”
Indeed, many people do consider Attack on Titan to be Frankenstein’s monster. “Fuck you,” Exile, AniTAY author, said when asked for comment. “Attack on Titan was trite garbage, don’t even get me started.”
I didn’t get him started.
For AniTAY’s full April Fools’ Day lineup, go to AniTAY’s blog page. Updates will continue over the course of the day.