Welcome to Baka Guides, your go-to source for life help and advice. Here we find it is our Journalistic Duty to share the advice taken from the wealth of worldly knowledge that is Anime with you, in order that you may all live more fruitful, productive, and prosperous lives.
It is February, the month of Love, Beauty and Romance. Every year, during this season, all thought is seemingly ripped from its normal brain patterns, and becomes fixated on the wild adventure that is Love. And as one wise hobbit noted about such adventures: “Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!” In order to help make this difficult time for the many struggling victims of unwanted love, affection and misunderstandings easier to bear, we here at Baka Guides have compiled a list of the things to avoid, in order to make this time a whole lot more better.
People to avoid:
Whether these people are way too helpful, not helpful at all, clingy or just a plain nuisance, these people will inevitably cause a large amounts of headaches for you, and should be avoided at all costs.
Best friend (Same gender):
They always say they mean well, and that everything they do is for your benefit. But lets be honest, you know perfectly well in what dire straits your relationship status is. You do not need any overly helpful friends right now, and your best friends are the WORST at trying to “move things along.”
Childhood Friend (opposite gender):
Okay, so you have a childhood friend do you, and one of the opposite gender to boot, well according to our statistics, there is at least a 79% chance of at least one of you harbors some repressed romantic feelings for the other, which will make almost every encounter awkward beyond belief.
Little siblings (especially opposite gender):
Now as previously noted in the Baka Guides for Life as We Know It, younger siblings have an overwhelming tendency to fall hardcore for their older sibling. But even if that isn’t the case, little siblings will ultimately make sure that your life will be as socially awkward as possible. They’re like a cross between your best friend and childhood friend, except of course you’re family... Supposedly.
You know the one, that one person you can never stop thinking about. However it is the one person, who if they’re around you in any capacity, makes your legs weak, your words stutter and increases the unlucky events around you by a whopping 400%. Best to stay clear until all the romantic overtones dies down.
Anyone the Same Gender as Your Crush, In Your Crush’s General Vicinity:
On a similar vein, you should avoid anyone who is the close to, and is the same gender as your crush, as this is a recipe for misunderstanding, heartbreak and hopelessness when your crush inevitably (83% of cases) finds you by accident, and mistakes who you actual have affections for.
Teachers have it especially bad. Many teachers (including a whopping 76% in female teachers) are sexually and romantically frustrated individuals, and as such purge their negative emotions on anyone who seems to have even the slightest chance of actually getting into a decent relationship. This can come in a variety of forms, from sabotaging relationships, causing stress, being (again) overly helpful, or creating a gloomy and relationship despising atmosphere.
Places to avoid:
These are the places that have the highest probability of having awkward, tense, or humiliating experiences happen to you. (Most likely involving you being mistaken as an accidental pervert, and being punished accordingly) As such stay away from these places at all costs if you value your health, and well being.
This really should be obvious, seriously. Bedrooms are some of the most intimate places in one’s house. As such bedrooms increase awkward self awareness to 500% above normal levels. There is also extremely high probabilities of walking in on/ getting caught in extremely embarrassing situations which do not look good, no matter how innocent they might actually be.
Your Own bed:
Now if you think that the sanctity of one’s bed/mat whilst one is asleep would be upheld by the rest of society, well then you my friend have lived a blissfully sheltered life. Unfortunately, it is increasingly common to find oneself waking up in one’s own bed in a compromising position, due to the meddling of others. So take caution, lock your doors (though the effectiveness of such is only about 50% of the time) and make sure to look before moving ones hands in the morning… it should save you a whole lot of trouble.
Falling on people, getting fallen on by people, accidentally looking up girls skirts… Frankly staircases are just disasters waiting to happen… Avoid them like the plague.
So here’s an easy one, Gym class is basically Spot-the-Pervert-Time. If you are ever caught ogling or staring intently at someone, be ready to get some serious flak for that. Also some of those co-operative stretches are basically designed to make the romantically inclined as self-conscious as possible. This might be a good class to skip for a snack run or something, that is if you decide that being on school grounds is not already too big a risk.
The restroom is just one of those places you never want to end up in with someone else, probably ever. However as Anime shows, there seems to be a 64% chance that any locking mechanism for the restroom will fail to work, precisely when it would be most awkward for it to do so.
Beaches/ Swimming Pools/ Hot springs:
Because trust us, seeing a bunch of semi to fully nude members of the opposite sex will not make it an easier to act in a normal fashion towards anyone. Especially since these places have the highest rated occurrences of accidental pervert misunderstandings, and general wardrobe malfunctions at a whopping 98% occurrence rate. And by Jove, if you ever go to a hot spring, make sure you know which springs are for which gender at which times… Otherwise the trip may end up an incredibly awkward, and potentially very painful experience.
Anywhere Where Your Head is Below the Waistline of a Girl in a Skirt:
Don’t want to be considered a pervert… well don’t be in a position where you have to look more than 30° upward at a girl in a skirt. If you do there is of course a 83% chance of physical retaliation, and a 90% chance of verbal abuse divulging your henceforth revealed perverted tendencies...
Things to Avoid Doing:
Like seriously don’t... ever
Reaching out Wildly:
Of all the places your hands are likely to land, there is a 98.45% chance that they will land exactly where they shouldn’t so KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!!!!! Your pain receptors will thank me for not having to work today, and your friends will be thankful that they weren’t violated today either.
Just like reaching out wildly, tripping and falling has the unfortunate consequence of making you land in the most compromising and disastrous position for your reputation possible. As such keep yourself from falling over in the first place.
Don’t Cheat on Your Girlfriend with Every Other Girl in School, Especially When the 2 Main Romances are Yanderes - AKA - Don’t Aim for the Nice Boat Ending:
We know boats are nice and all, but this is one cruise trip that it is better to miss out on. Trust us we did a thorough investigation into the matter...
Following these simple easy guidelines should allow you to avoid most of the pitfalls of romance and hormones, and should greatly increase your daily happiness and productivity. However if any of you do need assistance in applying these guidelines, our research team has found that the best places to avoid all such unwanted romantic/sexual tension are:
- The Inside of a Coffin
- The Bottom of the Ocean
- The Dark side of the Moon
All of which should be perfect destinations in order to relieve the stress of your ordinary life.
The author of this post does not claim any responsibility for the factuality of these claims nor in accuracy of their statistics, and that any resulting consequences from the use of this advice is the sole responsibility of the reader/ perpetrator and not the author.
Special Thanks Go to Dexomega, Exile, Raitzeno and Stranger for helping make this guide great!
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