My recent forays into the Anime have been one of the most compelling and insightful experiences I’ve had in a very long time. It has taught me much about the world, how it works and what to expect. So as is my Journalistic Duty, I have here compiled a list of some of the most important facts I’ve learned from Anime.


Stages of Life:

Life sucks, everyone has to go thru it. No one has a roadmap for it and you don’t know how long it will last. However it doesn’t mean we cannot be prepared. Here is your life tips from anime.

Childhood:

If you are reading this you most likely have already survived this most difficult of life stages. There is a 50% chance of Childhood trauma and emotional scarring in these formative years, so if you managed to survive all of that... Congratulations! The rest of you were most likely either really cute or really annoying as children, possibly both, with not too much else of importance really.

High School:

High school is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE EVER!!!! No seriously, high school is a big deal people. If you are going into or are currently in high school, be prepared for life altering circumstances, battles, romance, intrigue and spectacle that you will be a part of. Magical, robotic and alien menaces will most likely target your school, you and your friends will probably be given powers, mechs, and or weaponry in order to save the city/world/universe. No pressure. If any of this happens to you… good luck. However you do have a 95% survival rate, so that is something. However if you happen to be friends with one of these people, be ready to help, you will get your moment to shine, through your territory does come with only a 66% survival rate so be warned. If neither of the above apply to you, well you are probably no one important, unless you are funny, in which case polish up your particular joke/gag. It will be the one thing people remember you for.

Adulthood:

If you have managed to survive to Adulthood, my sympathies. No seriously adulthood is a difficult and trying time. If all goes well, you may end up a supporter for one of those hero highschoolers. This is the best case scenario though, as it comes with a 25% mortality rate, and a 50% rate for severe trauma. Other possibilities for adults include parenthood and villainy. Villainy is probably the most fulfilling of the two, though it does come with a 95% mortality rate so be warned if you plan to go off the deep end. Parenthood is probably the hardest path you may get. If you become a parent there are a number of risks to consider. There is a 90% chance that either you or your spouse will kick the bucket before your child finishes high school, 45% that both of you will. If you survive, you will have a 35% chance of becoming depressed and a 20% of becoming an all around jerk.

Old Age:

After High school, Old age is the 2nd best time of your life. If you have managed to survive this long, (and are not one of the 5% of villains who make it this far) you will enjoy a nice comfortable life. You will also have a 90% of being a complete and utter Badass, which you can enjoy and use at your leisure. the mortality rate is again very high, though the number of those satisfied with their lives is about 89%.


Relationships:

Dealing with people is hard especially for the 75% introverted population that anime tells us exists. However this guide should help you gain perspective on what is going on with other people.

Parents:

If you are still one of the few lucky ones to still have your parent(s) around (the opposite is a fairly common and widespread affair sadly) you must be warned that there are really only three possibilities for your relationship with your parent(s). Either they will be completely loving and supportive for you and your endeavors, they will be completely distant and reclusive from you or they will be antagonistic/ be a complete jerk. Not much leeway here and each has a 33.3% chance of occurring so hope for the best.

Siblings:

Sibling relationships are weird. If you have siblings (which is rare) and you happen to have a sibling that’s the same gender as you, then your relationship is likely normal and dominated by either comradery or rivalry/antagonism with a 50% chance for each. However if your sibling happens to be the opposite gender, then that’s where a few quirks come in. If you happen to have a sibling relation of the opposite gender there is a 67% chance of a romantic interest in at least one of the parties involved, 75% chance in the younger sibling, 90% if the younger is female. There also happens to be a 83.5% chance that you and your sibling are not actually direct blood relations. While this has no direct correlation with the previous data, it does complicate your sibling relationship, by placing the overwhelmingly likely romantic tension in a grey zone of acceptability. So please be advised, and tread lightly.

Romantic Interests:

Okay if you happen to still be in high school, and find yourself the centre of most school/ other important activities you are in luck! There is a 95% chance that you will have a successful relationship by the end of your high school years. There also happens to be a 97.5% chance that you will have at least 2 real possible candidates for you affections, with a 73.5 % chance of having up to 6 possible romantically interested parties. It also happens that there is a 93% that a childhood friend of yours will become one of the romantic interests, so long as there is a childhood friend where you are. If however you are not the centre of “life as we know it” your chances plummet to only 22.3% chance of having a successful relationship before your high school years end, most likely because all the candidates are pining after the person who is the centre of “life as we know it.”

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If however you are already out of high school then you are pretty much know your fate. If you are already in a relationship then there is an 80% chance of it turning out well (assuming one of you doesn’t die first). However if you are not already in a steady relationship, my condolences as there is a 2.3% chance of one actually occurring. Though you are happy to keep trying anyways.


Useful Equipment:

It’s a large and dangerous world out there, so remember to keep these things on you at all times.

Plot Armour:

If you value your life, by Jove go get yourself some plot armour from the nearest script writer or armoursmith. This will often ensure victory, or at least survival in 99.9% of all cases of defeat or disaster. However that is only for important highschoolers, or their close associates. For anyone else, this armour will 95% be ineffective and therefore worthless to you. So accept your fate as a background nobody red shirt, and enjoy what little life you have left.

Disguises:

These are essential for almost any occasion from high schools to major military bases. You never know when you may need to hide your identity.

Also a note to friends of highly important High schoolers! There is a 19.5% chance that you may be required to wear gender confusing clothing, in order to maintain appearances, often for long stretches of time. So be warned and make sure your disguise is convincing.

Extra Clothing (female):

While in combat the statistics of getting serious, non-fatal injuries is downwards of 23% (which is why medical supplies is not on the Useful Equipment list) the possibility for getting damaged, torn or disintegrated clothing is about 73% for females. As such make sure to keep spare outfits for females on you at all times. This is a much less dangerous issue to males, with rates of occurrence only occuring 43% of the time, and even then in much less umm… strategic places.


Combat Allies:

In the 66% chance that you are called upon to engage in any sort of battle these are the allies and friends you need to look out for in order to ensure your victory.

Girls:

Seriously, it does not matter how old, or how strong the girl/ woman may look. As long as they are able to wield any sort of weaponry, or use any martial art skills, they will be invaluable to your cause. In the event this is the case there is a 98% chance that they are capable of taking on full armies of underlings, and minor henchmen without any problems at all. Also aside from magical/ technological or other enhancements, a sure-fire way to increase any girl’s potential battlefield effectiveness is to either make them wear extremely revealing clothing, or (if they look young enough) make them as cute/ loli as possible. Either case should increase battle potential by at least 150%.

Old people:

As stated above anyone who has reached old age has a 90% chance of being a total and utter badass. Now it is unlikely that they will be up to full campaigns, or prolonged battles. However make sure they have you covered as they are invaluable as backup when the chips are down, and as side team leaders if final battles.

Anyone with old, outdated, weird, or cumbersome weaponry:

If you find anyone, who has a weapon or skill that is certifiably outdated, old or cumbersome, make sure you keep them around. Find a swordsman in an era of guns, befriend him. See a girl using a scythe twice her size, make her a part of your team. Run across a mage who uses ancient/ lost magic arts, make sure he stays close by. These are your aces in the hole. Due to their very nature of being undervalued by the rest of society, their battlefield effectiveness is raised by 300%. This usually means that they have trained far harder and longer than the enemies you face, as well as having surprising and devastating tactical advantages. So make sure you have as many of these people by your side when battle is joined.


Combat Strategies:

If you do end up having to fight in the battle here are the winning strategies you can use in order to ensure victory.

1. Believe in yourself!:

This is the one hard and fast strategy that is virtually unbeatable on the field. So get yourself some positive thinking reading material, develop a stubborn streak that denies the possibility of failure, and remember that the power to win resides within yourself. Do this and you should have no problems decimating your opponents. This has a 98.7% chance of success, against all opponents, though for Archvillains this strategy must be used by or in conjunction with one of those super important high school aged people in order to be truly effective.


With this knowledge you should be able to be prepared for almost anything life throws your way. After all anime airs on the 2 most trustworthy sources of information in the world namely, Television and the Internet.

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Special thanks go to Stranger and Protonstorm on helping out with this project! You guys are great!

The author of this post does not claim any responsibility for the factuality of these claims nor in accuracy of their statistics, and as such any resulting consequences from the use of this advice is the sole responsibility of the reader/ perpetrator and not the author.