Short answer: Everything would be terrible. Long answer:

So the old “haha wow Light Novels these days have horrible titles” conversation came up on the Discord chat the other day, and we segued into “What if anime that weren’t adaptations had names like that?” What followed was about three hours of people rattling off godawful alternative titles for popular anime, with other people guessing which ones they meant.

I’ve compiled the results (and fixd they’re grammur ‘n spelling). There are quite a few that received multiple attempts, and most of them are pretty amusing, so we kept them all rather than picking one. Hopefully these are as fun for you as they were for us!

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[A Certain Magical Index] My Memory Issues And Anti-Magic Powers Are Getting In The Way Of My Harem School Life.

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[A Certain Scientific Railgun] I Want To Have Shocking Lesbian Sex With My Roommate, But She’s Always Busy Foiling Government Conspiracies

[ACCA] Everyone Says I’m Royalty, But I Just Want To Get Drunk, Eat Bread & Chain Smoke

[Ah! My Goddess] A Goddess Came Out Of My TV, So I Asked Her To Marry Me! ~Then Nothing Important Happens for a Very Long Time~

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[Aldnoah:Zero] This Dude With A Cybernetic Eye Is After Me, Because I Betrayed the Human Race And Keep His Girlfriend In A Fish Tank

[Allison to Lilia] After My Mother Did The First Half of this Political Series, I Screw Everything Up By Being Too Stupid To Realise I’m Surrounded By Intrigue

[Amagami] Fuck Your Single Route VN Anime, I’m Banging Six Girls In Simultaneous Quantum Timelines

[Angel Beats] I’ve Found Myself In Purgatory And My Classmates Are Rebelling Against God. ~But Why Am I Here?~

[Anohana] I Probably Would Have Died Alone If The Ghost Of My Best Friend Didn’t Hook Me Up With My Blazing Hot Childhood Friend

[Arpeggio of Blue Steel] I’m Going Down On A Submarine, But The Tsundere Battleship Is Jealous

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[Astro Boy] My Dad Made Me In Order To Substitute His Dead Son, But He Got Dissapointed In Me, So He Sold Me To A Robot Circus!

[Attack on Titan] My Little Titan Can’t Possibly Be This Hungry

[Basilisk] A Ninja War Started Because I´m Getting Married?!

[Bastard Magical Instructor] I’m A Physically And Sexually Abusive Teacher At A Magic High School For Strippers, But That’s Okay Because I Have Antimagic

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[Ben-To] I Only Want To Brawl In Public For Cheap Food, But I Keep Getting Accused Of Being A Pervert For All the Wrong Reasons

[Berserk] I Decided I Wanted To Separate From My Best Friend, So He Joined A Demon Cult, Killed All My Friends And Raped My Lover In Front Of Me

[Berserk] My Favorite Manga’s Anime Can’t Possibly Be This CLANGGG

[Berserk] Now That My Boss Is In Jail, Me And My Mercenary Girlfriend Will Surely Live Happily Ever After, So We’re Having A Nice Date At Next Week’s Solar Eclipse

[Big O] My Robot Maid Talks Down To Me Until I Show Her My Big O-Face

[Big Order] I Made A Girl Pregnant By Grabbing Her Hair Ribbon, And It’s Only The Fourth Weirdest Thing I’ve Done This Week

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[Birdy the Mighty] Some Crazy Space Officer Killed Me And Now I Live In Her Body!

[Blade Dance of the Elementalers] We Named This Show For A Specific Event That It Won’t Get To, And Unfortunately, It’s Also Where The Plot Starts

[Bodacious Space Pirates] We’re Highschool Girls Wearing Miniskirts In Zero Gravity, But Somehow We Don’t Flash Our Panties. Let’s Go [Legally] Pirate!

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[Bodacious Space Pirates] You Wouldn’t Download A Spaceship, But We Can Legally Pirate Them, So Worship Us, You Chauvanist Pigs

[Campione!] I’m A Totally Normal Japanese Guy, So Why Did I Have To Kill A Persian God In Italy? ~Please Get This Italian Slut, Eastern European Knight, and Angry Miko Off My Case~

[Card Captor Sakura] I Accidentally Released All the Cards And Now My Best Friend Won’t Stop Filming Me In Weird Outfits

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[Cardfight Vanguard G] I Was A Boring Punk Until A Stalker Started Giving Me Children’s Card Games, And Now I Have To Save The World?!

[Charlotte] I Was Loving This School, Then My Sister Was Flattened By Debris

[Chihayafuru] The Most Beautiful Girl In School Is Obsessed With An Obscure Japanese Card Game And With A Boy Who Moved Away, Even Though I’d Do Literally Anything For Her

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[Chivalry of a Failed Knight] We Have Good Music, Good Fights, And Good Relationships, But Cranking Up The Irrelevant Incest Made Everyone Drop Our Show

[Code Geass] I Have The Power To Make Anyone Listen To A Command Of Mine, So I Took Over The World

[Cowboy Bebop] My Entire Life Is A Space Adventure Allegory About Mushrooms, Tits, And The Occasional Bullet

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[Cromartie High School] I Got Transferred To A School Full Of Delinquents Alongside A Gorilla, A Robot, And Freddie Mercury

[Cross Ange] We Had Anal Rape In Our First Episode. If You Stayed For The Space Bikes And Dragons, You Really Should’ve Known What You Were Getting Into

[Dagashi Kashi] This Incredibly Hot Girl Has Moved To Town And Now She’s Monologuing All About Sweets To Me

[Death Note] I Used To Be A Grade-A Student, But Then I Found A Murder Notebook!

[Death Note] I Am The Most Just Force In The World - Just Ask The Detectives I Murdered

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[Dragon Ball] This Was An Adventure Story About Finding 7 Spheres That Grant Wishes, But Now It´s All About Beating The Crap Out Of Powerful People!

[Dragon Ball Z] I’m Finally Done Charging My Attack, And It’s Only Been 5 Episodes

[Dragon Ball Z] My Dad Died Like Fourteen Times But He Keeps Coming Back To Fight Aliens

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[Eden of the East] I Used To Be A Millionaire But Now I’m Standing Naked Outside The White House?!

[Erased] My Mom Was Murdered By A Child Abductor & Now I’m Back In The 80s?!

[Escaflowne] My Normal Life As A High School Girl Got Ruined After I Went To Another World And Met A Prince And His Giant Robot!

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[Everyday Life With Monstergirls] One Night I Forgot To Turn My Swag Off, And I Woke Up Covered In Monstergirl Homestay Students

[Fate/Stay Night] Are You My Master, She Asked Me? But No, I’m Just Here As Bait

[Fate/Stay Night] My Dad Was A Magician? And Now I’m Living With King Arthur But She’s A Chick?!

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[Fate/Stay Night] People Die When They’re Killed, Which Is Correct But Doesn’t Mean You’re Right

[Fate/Zero] My Legal Guardian Killed His Dad And I Want To Be Just Like Him

[FLCL] I Want To Live A Normal Life But A Hot Chick With A Guitar And A Vespa Came And Gave Me A Horn That Unleashes Robots

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[Fullmetal Alchemist] No Matter How Hard I Try, I Can’t Find This Cute Little Girl And Her Puppy

[Future Diary] Thanks To My Future Diary, I Now Have A Yandere Girlfriend

[Fuuka] I Started A Band With Some Crazy Ho After She Smashed My Cellphone

[Gantz] Why Do Aliens Have Such A Massive Boner For Skintight Black Latex And Death Games?

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[Garden of Sinners] I’m A Literal Schizophrenic Killing Machine, But Hey, This Guy Likes Me So It’s All Good

[GATE: Thus the JSDF Fought There] Eat Shit, Medieval Fantasy World, We Have Tanks And Attack Copters

[GATE: Thus the JSDF Fought There] Everyone That Says Fantasy Worlds Are The Best Can Suck It ~Military Superiority Is Still Military Superiority~

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[GATE: Thus the JSDF Fought There] Let’s Introduce Medieval Assholes To The Glory Of Modern Weaponry

[Genma Wars] Our Mom Was Raped By A Wizard In Order To Give Birth To Us, So Now With The Help Of A Talking Wolf, We Have To Avenge Her!

[Ghost in the Shell] My Life As A Brain In A Robotic Body Can’t Possibly Be This Introspective!

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[Gifting This Wonderful World With Blessings!] I’m Stuck In An RPG World With A Masochistic Knight, A Demolitionist Mage, And A Goddess That Is Dumber Than A Sack Of Hammers

[Golden Time] I Was Just About To Bag My Friend’s Girlfriend Until My Ghost Showed Up With My Amnesiac Memories

[Great Teacher Onizuka] Why The Hell Did I Get Picked To Be A Teacher? I’m Just A Biker Punk. Oh Well, Might As Well Be The Best Fucking Teacher Ever

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[Guilty Crown] I’m A Total Asshole, Just Like The Best Playboys, So Why Won’t This Bitch Sleep With Me? She Keeps Going On About These Cancer Crystals Instead, Who The Hell Cares?

[Gun Frontier] I´m A Japanese Short Ugly Guy With A Pirate Friend And A Hot Mistress In The Wild West, Doing Shenanigans And Eating Our Own Horses

[Gunbuster] I Will Call My Attacks So Hard They Will Echo Through Shows To Come For Decades

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[Gundam (several of them)] Everyone I Know Was Killed In The Attack But I Found A Giant Robot And Now I Have To Save The World From Mind Power Mutants While Complaining The Whole Time

[Gundam AGE] My Antique Giant Mobile-Suit Can´t Be This Overpowered!

[Haganai] Turns Out Friendless Losers Can’t Figure Out Love Polygon Problems Either, Oops

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[Haiyore! Nyaruko-san] I Want To Fork The Cute-but-Insane Alien In My Classroom, And No That’s Not A Typo

[Heavy Object] I’m Not Even A Soldier But I Have To Destroy Humongous War Machines With Only My Asshole Friend. Wouldn’t You Snark About Tits All The Time Too?

[Hellsing] Vampires Are Cool, But Vampires With Kickass Handguns And Rocket Launchers Are Better

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[High School DxD] My Crazy Girlfriend Is A Demon And Murdered Me, So I’m Sleeping With Five Other Demons. Your Move, Bitch

[Higurashi: When They Cry] I Moved To This Country Town Where These Cute Girls All Want To Kill Me, But Time Keeps Resetting

[Higurashi: When They Cry] Life In My Village Can’t Possibly Be This Frightening! ~All My Childhood Friends Are Crazy~

[Hunter X Hunter] My Dad Left Me, So I Finally Decided To Become A Hunter!

[Infinite Stratos] The Cast Of This Show All Wants To Ride On My Dick, But I’d Rather Cockblock Myself, Even In Their Fantasies

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[InuYasha] My Classmates Told Me To Go Jump In A Well, But Joke’s On Them, I Met A Hot Demon Boy

[Irresponsible Captain Tylor] I’m Either The Luckiest Bastard In The Universe Or The Cleverest, And You’ll Never Know Which

[Is It Wrong To Pick Up Girls In A Dungeon?] That Ribbon Is Total Bullshit, But By Far Not The Only Terrible Outfit We Have To Offer, And Our Side Cast Provides Much Better Stories

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[Isuca] I Stared At A Girl’s Cooch Until I Figured Out Her Name, Now She And Her Sister Are My Sex Slaves

[Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress] We Took Great Action And Added Steampunk, Zombies And Trains! ~How One Bad Character Can Fuck An Entire Series~

[Kamisama no Memo-chou] I Became A Hikikomori Loli’s Bitch, But A Local Yakuza Gang Loves Me For My Tech Support

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[Kantai Collection] I Ship That: I’m The Admiral Of A Fleet Of Sexy Girls Who Are Also Naval Vessels, I Think, Maybe

[Keijo!!!!!!!!!!] I Wanted To Get Rich So I Started Clashing Butts!!!!!!!!!

[Kill La Kill] My Father Was Killed So I Became An Exhibitionist Battler!

[Kill La Kill] The Key To My High School Life Is Wearing Revealing Clothing And Fighting Student Council Members With A Giant Broken Scissor

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[Kizumonogatari] I Just Want To Masturbate At Home Since My Sisters Aren’t There, But I Accidentally Became A Vampire

[Kuma Miko] What Do You Get When You Cross A Bear And A Little Girl? Something The Mangaka Had To Issue A Public Apology For

[Kuroko’s Basketball] I’m The Pluto Of Basketball Stars, Scientists Argue Whether I’m Even In The Team

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[Kuroko’s Basketball] I’m A Shitty Point Guard, Good Thing My Teammates All Look Like NBA All-Stars

[Legend of Legendary Heroes] I Live In A Medieval Fantasy And Have An OP Power, But I Just Want Afternoon Naps Every Day

[Little Busters] Everyone Died on the School Bus ~A Story of Friendship and Baseball~

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[Log Horizon] My Favorite Online Game Became Reality, So Now I’m Living In The Database ~Database, Just Living In The Database~

[Lord Marksman & Vanadis] My Archery Is So Good It Can Pierce The Hearts [And The Panties] Of Any Important Woman In The World

[Lost Universe] My Spaceship AI Can’t Possibly be This Tsundere

[Macross] We Gave Our Mech Designer Too Much Power, So Now It’s Cute Idols In Space, All The Time

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[Magic Knight Rayearth] Being A Magical Girl Sucks When The Magic Princess Wants Us To Murder Her Instead Of The Villain

[Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha] A Magical Ferret Gave Me His Stick, Now I’m An Awesome Lesbian Superhero

[Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha] Friendship* Can Solve Anything (*For A Given Weaponisation Of Friendship)

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[Magical Girl Madoka Magika] I Just Want To Sign This Contract And Become A Magical Girl, So Why Is This Crazy Bitch Trying To Stop Me?

[Magical Warfare] I Am In The Most Terrible Magical High School To Ever Exist, But Magical Explosions Sent Me Back In Time And Now I Have To Seduce My Own Mother

[Mahoromatic] A Battle Android Is Dying, So She Decides To Become My Maid. ~Expect A Massive Genre Shift At The End~

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[MajiKoi] This Hentai Game Was So Amusing, We Took The Hentai Out And The Anime Is Still Worth Watching

[March Comes In Like a Lion] My Slutty Sister Talks Shit To Me Constantly And I’m Sad About Being A Shogi Prodigy

[Martian Successor Nadesico] I Wanted To Be A Cook But Now I Pilot Mecha, Only My Love Of Super Robot Anime Won’t Cause Me Problems. Or Will It?

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[Masamune-kun’s Revenge] This Bitch Called Me Fat Once, So I’m Going To Ruin Her Fucking Life By Making Her Love Me And Then Dumping Her

[Masou Gakuen HxH] My Mother Fucked Up The World, So My Sister Made A Girls’ School For Me To Fuck Instead

[Masou Gakuen HxH] The Fate Of All Humanity Rides On My Dick, And So Will The Cast Of This Show

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[Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid] I Got Drunk With A Dragon, Now She’s My Maid And Insists Her Tail Is Delicious

[Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid] I Tried Dragon Slayer Sake, Now I’ve Got Two In My House And More Are Coming

[My Hero Academia] I Don’t Have Superpowers But My Dream Is To Attend Hero School Anyway!

[My Hero Academia] I Want To Be The Best Hero Around But I Have No Powers!

[Naruto] My Youth Ninja Story Couldn’t Possibly Last This Long

[Negima] I Became A Middle School Teacher While In Elementary School And These Girls Are Super Thirsty, Send Help

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[Neon Genesis Evangelion] My Father Is An Asshole Who Wears Sunglasses Indoors, So I Climb Into My Giant Mother’s Clone’s Uterus And Cry Myself To Sleep

[Neon Genesis Evangelion] My Father Is An Asshole Who Wears Sunglasses Indoors, So I Got In The Fucking Robot

[Nichijou] We Do Deadpan Comedy And Sight Gags Better Than Anyone. Try Us

[Nisekoi] I Have A Key But There’s A Harem Trying To Use It To Open Their Locks

[Nisemonogatari] Is it Wrong to Teach My Little Sister Good Oral Hygiene?

[One Piece] This Fruit Made Me All Stretchy, And Now They’ll Stretch My Story To Infinity

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[One Punch Man] All I Want Is A Good Fight, But Every Fight Is Over With One Swing Of My Fist

[One Punch Man] I Lost My Hair While Working Out, So Now My Days Are Filled With Chores ~How My Cute Kouhai Made Me Get A Boring Superhero Job~

[Orange] I Discovered Time Travel, And Rather Than Do Anything World-Changing With It, I Gave Myself A 4D NTR Abortion

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[Orange] Turns Out Motherhood Is Hard, So I Cucked Myself Through Time To Bang The Emo Boy From Highschool

[Outlaw Star] We Gave Our Starships Arms So They Can Fistfight In Space ~Let’s Go Search For Magic Bullets~

[Outlaw Star] When I Told My Editor About Spaceships With Grabby-Hand Arms, Having Boxing Matches In Space, He Said I Was Crazy.

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[Panty & Stocking With Garterbelt] My Two Best/Only Friends Are Slutty Angels! But They Won’t Let Me Sleep With Them.

[Panty & Stocking With Garterbelt] We Mixed Sugar, Spice And Everything Nice With A Fuckton Of Sex, And The Bitches We Made Now Fight Demons Between Cake And Blowjobs

[Parasyte: the Maxim] I Got An Alien Living In My Hand, Now My High School Life Is Screwed Up

[Persona 3] A Teenage Robot Sealed Death Itself Inside of Me?!

[Phantom Blood] My Rich Father Likes My Evil Vampire Step-Brother More Than Me?!

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[Pokemon] My Journey Started Wanting To Catch ‘Em All, But Now I Am Just Traveling Aimlessly And Losing Championship Leagues!

[Pupa] I Let My Sister Eat Me, But It’s Okay Because I’m Undying

[Rage of Bahamut] We Took A Mobile Game With No Plot And Provided An Awesome One, Why Is This So Difficult For Everyone Else?

[Rewrite] You Thought This Was A Serious Show? Nope, Now Everyone’s Trees

[Saekano: How To Raise A Boring Grilfriend] I Really Just Want To Make A Good VN Game But I Keep Gathering Girls Who Are All In Love With Me

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[Saint Seiya] When I Was A Kid, An Old Geezer Made Me Go To Greece And Get A Beating, So Now That I’ve Grown Up, I Have To Protect A Goddess!?

[Sankarea] I Turned My Girlfriend Into A Flower-Eating Zombie, And That’s Totally My Fetish

[School Days] My Romantic Choices Are Interfering With My Life Expectancy, So My Dismembered Corpse Was Found On A Nice Boat

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[School Days] All I Wanted To Do Is Bang Chicks, But I Stuck My Dick In Crazy And Now Everyone Is Dying

[Severing Crime Edge] I Wanna Be A Women’s Hairstylist, But My Favorite Scissors Are Hand-Me-Downs From A Serial Killer

[Shirobako] Making Anime Is A Lot Harder Than I Thought, But I’m Putting My All Into It Along With My 4 High School Friends

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[Shoumin Sample] I’m Teaching Sex Ed To Rich Girls Who Think I’m Gay, And If They Find Out I’m Not, They’ll Castrate Me

[Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinjuu] My Best Friend Does Better Rakugo Than I Do, So Now Rakugo Needs To Die?

[Simoun] We Tried Combining Lesbianism And Space Fighters, But The Person Writing This Couldn’t Make It Through The First Episode

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[Slayers] Sorry I Fireballed Your Village To A Crisp, But That Guy Grabbed My Butt. ~Also That Restaurant Bill Was Bullshit~

[Space Patrol Luluco] I Go All Over the Universe and Transform Into A Gun Yet This Boy Still Broke My Heart

[Spice & Wolf] Watching A Medieval Show For Research In Microeconomics Turned Me Into A Furry

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[Steins;Gate] No Matter What I Try, These Microwaved Bananas Are Ruining My Time Travel

[Strike Witches] The Characters May Grow On You, But You’ll Never Stop Wondering Why They Don’t Just Wear Shorts

[Sword Art Online] I’m Trapped In An Online Game, But That’s OK, I’m Effectively A God

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[Symphogear] Move Over Precure, Our Magical Girl Brawlers Have Way Better Theme Songs

[Tanaka-kun is Always Listless] I Recognized The Class President’s Breasts When She Was Disguised, So Now She Keeps Interrupting My Naps To Make Me Fall For Her

[Tanya the Evil] I Was An Ass To God, Therefore He Was An Ass To Me ~Being In A Little Girl’s Body Is Weird~

[Tanya the Evil] My Life As A Nazi Officer Is Being Ruined By A Jerkass God

[Tenchi Muyo] My Two... Four... Okay, My Eight Space Girlfriends Are Fighting Over Me, But They Don’t Know I’m 1/4 Alien Myself

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[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann] I Found A Drill That Could Pierce The Heavens?! But My Aniki Is Way Cooler Than Me!

[Terror in Resonance] We Make Bombs We Don’t Want To Go Off, But the Authorities Fuck Us By Not Giving A Shit

[The Irregular At Magic High School] My Generic Magic High School Anime Setting Can’t Possibly Be This Interesting

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[The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya] I’m Convinced That This Tsundere Is Batshit Insane, But It’s Cool Because She’s Also God

[The World God Only Knows] All I Want To Do Is Sit At Home And Play Dating Sims But This Devil Told Me I Have To Date Girls In Real Life, Help!

[Tokyo Ghoul] I Received A Bad Organ Transplant From The Girl I Crept On At My Hipster Cafe

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[Trinity Blood] I´m A Catholic Priest Who’s Secretly A Vampire Who Eats Other Vampires, So Now I’m Helping The Church To Eradicate Them!

[Urostukidouji] This Made The Western World Conflate Anime And Tentacle Rape For Decades. What Have You Done Today?

[Vandread] Women Are Literal Monsters, Good Thing I Can Weaponize Their Alien Lust Into My Otherwise Shitty Mecha

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[War on Geminar] I’m So OP, I Can Turn A Generic Disposable Mecha Into A Walking God, So Imagine What Happens When I Finally Get A Custom One

[Your Lie In April] My Dead Mom Is The Reason I Play Piano, And I Have A Boner For This Terminally Ill Violinist

[Your Name] I Wake Up Every Morning With Tits ~A Love Story~

[Yu-Gi-Oh] Let’s Wager Human Souls Over A Children’s Card Game!

[Yu-Gi-Oh] My Card Skills Are Almost As Ridiculous As My Hair

[Yuri On Ice] On My Mission To Become A Pro Figure Skater, My Idol Becomes My Teacher

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