The Fall 2016 lineup has taken off sprinting from the gun, however not every participate is as, how should I say, qualified, as the others to compete. What started as me rattling the sodium rich cage of the King of Salt himself, Gugsy, has turned into a reality as we have agreed to endure the visceral suffering give our live commentary to one of this season’s lowest scoring full series, Bloodivores. I have taken the transcript from our discussion and tweaked the profanity out to make it far safer for work. Be warned though, no one is forcing you to experience this anime.


The following episodic reaction blog is for comedic purposes only- this is not an in-depth analysis of the show itself but rather a celebration of its mediocrity.



I’ve been awkwardly forced into reading fan fictions better than this show’s entire existence.

Episode 5: Sapphire (Idk, like 29 Oct 16)

Gugsy: Man

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Dil: Has it been this many episodes already? I kinda lost consciousness a while ago.

G: Dil, help me. This OP is growing on me. Musically, not the visuals.

D: Welcome back to we’d rather be watching football!

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G: Oh course.

D:Visually it’s a train wreck. And 90% of the budget.

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G:They fell?

D: I’m sure that helped Julie’s near fatal wound.

G: Why exactly do we care about the crowd?

Shirtless dude either.

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D:This dude hasn’t had a shirt for half the show now

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G: So the robot had teleported four stories up?

SAPPHIRE

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D: Not to mention it’s like Terminator style now

Oh good I love her videos

“This space is too narrow” says the dude who is jacked as crap

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Wait

IS HE JUST MESSING AROUND WITH HER WOUND

G: YUP

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Oh look a gun

What

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D:MacGyver up in here

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G: What

D:So he like...

G: No wait

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“Last of my strength” my ass

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D: 1. Cauterized the wound

G: Cauterized the wound my ass

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D: 2. Things exploded.

3. She mildly was bother by GETTING A WOUND CAUTERIZED

Like look at her

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She’s sleeping sound now

-Evangelion Conspiracy Time-

OH MAN LOOK IT IS ASUKA LANGLEY

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G: Shirtless guy too

D:THIS IS EVA

The results are in, you are the father of the archetypical tsundere!

G: You know this dude is important because he has orange hair

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D: Call Jerry Springer, we found Asuka’s dad.

Oh man

Back to board meetings

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G: A shadowy conference table

D: Oh no

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Not a...sapphire signal(?)

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G: So MC is not only OP as crap but also has the sapphire

Are you kidding

D: Whatever it is

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Omnipotence

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Powers

Whatever God defying thing you want it to be

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G: He has like 4 or 5 MacGyvers at this point

“That’s not how blood ties work”

Thank you

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D: “We’re pulling out”

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

G: Should have pulled out of mom amirite Dil?

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Heyooooo

I want to actually ask the creators of this show that very question. Yes I am aware they probably wouldn’t know who I am or why I am wearing a Rick Nash jersey and flip flops in Hong Kong

So uh

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Flashback?

....again

D: I like to have weird flashbacks when I’m pounding a rusty rod into a brick wall

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That sounds like some innuendo

G: “....Is this the end”

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You and me both MC

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D: Wait Gugsy

G: Oh the burning from episode 1 did something

D: We have one more detail they haven’t done to death

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G:It gave MC another OP power

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D: He has Wikipedia powers

The real question here is what kind of specs this dude’s magical wrist power has: the framerate in these videos are horrific

G: ......................

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D:Oh good

G: Even if we disregard how terrible this production wise

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D: He has WebMD in his wrist

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G: It boggles my mind how this became popular enough to get an anime in the first place

This is absolutely freaking nonsense

Great

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The Sapphire is a macguffin to save Jill

P is for Plot. P-L-O-T.

D:This kinda reminds me of the library spirit creature thing in From the New World

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G: Yeah except you’re soiling From the New World’s good name by invoking it here

D: No clearly it stole from this show like that trash Evangelion did too

“Search term: death row inmates”

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G: So uh

D: Let’s see what Google pulls up there

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G: After Wikipedia

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Asuka’s dad is doing....something

D:ONE PUUUUUNCH

G: What in the

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D: It’s implausible to think this has been 18 minutes

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G: This has gone on for at least an hour

I feel like I’m 40 years old now

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Orange hair

D:LET’S PLAY A GAME

G: Why are you so ridiculous all of a sudden

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D: All the Engrish

G:Asuka

Oh GREAT

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He’s a “Condemned”

Are you kidding me Bloodivores

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D: Of course Asuka’s dad is the devil himself...That explains everything

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Julie is going crazy

G: How many OP descriptions do we need

JULIE

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Thank you Wiki

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D: Tell me she killed him...please.

G: “Even among the Bloodivores, Lou Yao is the strongest”

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-_-

What if I told you this was the best combat will look in this series? I wouldn’t be lying, either.

D: GAME IS OVER

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G: Random explosions for no reason

Why wasn’t he there at the very beginning of this trap?

Plot

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D:SUPER JULIE?!

MOM?!

I tried writing a caption for this for a solid three minutes. I give up.

G: MOM

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MOM IS GOD

D: NAKED SILHOUETTE

G: I can’t wait for Mom to be Julie

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D: NAKED JULIE MOM SILHOUETTE

G:Remember, I called this stupid (flip flapping poo poo)

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God

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Dil

There’s seven more episodes of this at least

D:Did they wait five episodes to do an actual ending

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Even though literally every single shot is a risqué Julie

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Episode 6: Choices

I’ll make a choice alright

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G: You’ll make a choice to watch with me

-_-

-Post Episode “Discussion”-

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G: I had people talking with me this week how bad Bloodivores was this year compared to some of the worst offenders this year

D: It’s literally the worst thing I’ve seen this much of ever

G: Mr Bloodivore is easily in the bottom 2

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There is not a single way where Bloodivores could escape the bottom

D: I’m speechless at this point

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G: And we’re contractually obligated to do this for seven more weeks!

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D: Requests Trade


Truer words never spoken

Episode 4: Sacrifice (who cares when it aired)

-Live Reaction-

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Gugsy: Dil

You ready for the best part of the show again? That’s right, the OP!

Dil: I try not to take it in, it only makes me angry.

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G:Welp

All of these people are dead

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D: VAN DETECTIVE

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G:No trace of the bodies (spooked out emoji)

Where’d they go?

D: Nice phone roll.

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G: All bloodivores, all death row inmates, all accidents

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Gotta be a conspiracy

D:He’s been repeating the same point for three minutes...

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OH. THE GOOD OL “PUBLIC WELFARE ORPHANAGE”.

G:Better not animate his fingers typing. Conserve the budget, just make him look down.

D:I feel like this was a still shot but they still relocated him four times throughout it?

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G:THE SLOW PANS

D:Where did they find new clothes???

G:Oh look Jill and girl with 5? 6? marriages are on good terms again

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D:Like those are full outfits.

G:Nah, only Jill got a new outfit. Because her’s got ripped for reasons...REASONS.

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D: Julie has a hole through her shirt the same size of the last one though...

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G: REASONS.

D:The camera is way too close to the other girl’s butt.

G: R E A S O N S

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Wait, they’re in another dimension?!

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D: HUH?!

G: INTERSECTION OF SPACE TIME

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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

D:WHY DID SHE SMILE AT THAT

G: Same reason I did, because this is the stupidest, most edgelord-y thing ever

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D:HUSH HE SAYS.

Meanwhile the inmates are staring at a literal wall of junk.

G:This guy is important because he’s blonde.

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D:”Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?”

G:OH LOOK WELCOME BACK TRIGGER HAPPY

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D:Red haired kid having a crisis after he pulled the trigger as the shirtless du-

This scene somehow has as much drama in it as there is breathable air in space.

OH.

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G:Now he’s crying because he killed a man. You know what that means! Flashback time.

D: Smash cut to flashback of pure violence and a freaking pipe.

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G:That sound

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That’s a metal pipe that he just bashed that kid in with.

D:That kid does not get up that fast from that, if ever.

G: Close up on stuffed bunny for the art

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D: Yeah that’s the closest thing to an artsy shot that works in this garbage.

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G: So we’re only missing Jill’s backstory.

D: JULIE

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G: How much do you want to bet that she’s like a clone of the mom, for plot reasons?

D:NOT JILL

G: *Still ignoring Dil* And her backstory will be the finale.

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D:Jill is mom.

I guess.

Everyone is Julie.

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I don’t care.

G:Jill will be evil

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But then she won’t

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Because MC yells at her

D: Now you’re just trolling me.

G:Mark it down boys and girls.

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D: All four of you still reading this.

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WHAT IS THIS EXPOSITION?!

G:MY POWERS ALLOW ME TO CREATE A POINT OF GRAVITY AND FALL TO IT

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WHAT IN THE-

D: HOW DOES HE SUDDENLY KNOW

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G: HOW OVERPOWERED DO YOU HAVE TO BE

MONSTERS YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

D:What changed in one episode that allowed him to know this???

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G: Nothing, he has plot powers. Look at him go!

D:C’mon Julie you’ve missed every shot.

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G:A gun from outta nowhere

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D: OH MAN

HOMEGIRL SHOVED JULIE

G: Where’d Jill’s skirt and stockings come from?

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OH (feces)

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JILL

Gravity Powers

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D: Nice Uggs, dude.

G:Lolololol

When did Homegirl’s skirt get ripped like that

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What the-

D: Julie is straight up dying

G: Not Julie (edited)

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What will we live for now Dil

Homegirl comes back

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Wait

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What

D: “Why?” <——-Me anymore.

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G: Yup

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And now MC is just flying around.

D:Our edgelord MC is omnipotent and knows already she betrayed Julie

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G:Slow mo so you know it’s cool

D: That

G:Wait.

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D:That’s

G:What.

D: That’s the end.

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G:But

D: Ugh

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G:That monster

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Didn’t even animate over them

Oh no

D: The ending scene isn’t just still images this time, I guess.

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G:AHHHHHH

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Or I guess that wasn’t what I thought.

Was that supposed to be a half-hearted sendoff to homegirl?

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D:I guess? I don’t care.

-Post Episode Thoughts-

“Next time, (Julie)‘s wound is deep” THANKS PREVIEW GUY.

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G:

D:We’re progressively getting less and less to say as these episodes get drier and drier and I lose all hope.

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Like, that was the one third mark.

G: I mean, we can’t keep repeating the same terrible mistakes this anime is making every time

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For the good of us, and our audience. Just know that this episode looked like butt per usual

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The music was nonexistent per usual

The characterization was more cardboardization

D: To summarize the plot for you all boys and girls: Edgelord team gets set up, put on death row, but somehow wakes up in a jail in another dimension(?). People get eaten and the group of Edgelord, Julie, and Homegirl aimlessly run away from monsters and strip as they have the slowest and pointless flashbacks.

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G:For 20 minutes.

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D:That’s all that has been done for four episodes.

G:80 minutes.

D: AN HOUR AND A HALF.

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PRACTICALLY.

HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR JOB?!

G:HOW LOW CAN YOU GO

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DEATH ROW

WHAT A BROTHER KNOWS

(If anyone reads this and gets that reference, I’ll star every comment/post you make on AniTAY for a week)

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D:What was this episode even titled? You know what? Don’t answer that. I don’t care.

G:Sacrifice

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We sacrificed Homegirl.

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GET IT

D:HOW

G:For reasons

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Also, R E A S O N S

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D: She wasn’t sacrificed

She betrayed the team

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And was like

“See ya later bai”

AND she decided not to close that door

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Because she clearly was smart enough to murder seven husbands but not smart enough to close the door and run the other way

G:

He flies by her literally like this

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I can’t wait for Jill to be Rei and then the anime audience all over can appreciate what a hack EVA was for ripping off Bloodivores

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D: buries head in ground


Episode 3: Hemomancy (Aired 15 Oct 16)

-Live Reaction-

Gugsy: It’s actually called “Tencent Animation and Comics” LMFAO

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Dil: She is pretty long winded in that unbearably long shot of talking nothing.

G: OP!

After watching Girlish Number, this is exactly the kind of OP they’re satirizing.

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Back to the lab?

D:Is it me or does this OP move really slow? On top of them walking on walls and such.

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G: Here we go.

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D: This song is so weird

G:Random monster!

Wait Purple Dude!

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Because of course.

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He’s dual wielding?

D: The girl next to Anji just double takes every time she’s on camera.

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G: Dynamite?

D: DYNAMITE.

G: This should work perfectly-

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D: HE NEVER MOVED FROM LAST EPISODE?!

G:Why

What

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He dead.

No he not.

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Dodged them with the dynamite?

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Explosion!

D:Cam Newton running down field with that stick of dynamite.

WHAT

BUDGET

G: WHAT MC just magically saved her and appeared like 3 stories up

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Because...

Guns!

D: The overhead shot of her without her jacket and immediately switched to her having it the next frame.

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G: How are they rising here?

Magic?

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D: Or like they colored her jacket the same color as the prison stuff.

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G: They jumped down to save that one girl and then....levitated or something.

D: They know everyone’s names really fast.

G: Purple jacket, 10 pack.

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Because of course

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Look at him go in drab slow motion

D:Using still images because budget

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G: So we’re going through the ventilation system now.

D: “We can’t see where we are going!”

Is that the creators of this show speaking?

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G: “Lee Shin. Who on earth is he?”

Exactly what I was thinking.

D: Wait when did they get that girl?

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G: I told you, they fell down, picked her up and then levitated back to the exit.

Stay together? The group is actually making a good choice.

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#NotAllBloodivores

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D: EXPOSITION IN AN AIR VENT

G: LET’S SIT BACK AND RELAX IN THIS AIR VENT

D: Ohhhh! There’s so much to take in artistically here that I missed it.

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G: Some kind of experiment gee whiz

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D: “You suspect me? For years I’ve been your-”

BEEN YOUR WHAT?!

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G:Hemomancer!

D:BEEN YOUR WHAT?!

G:BUILD A WALL

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D:Donald Trump?!

G: Into a classroom?

D:We really needed that ten second scene of him opening that vent too.

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G: Don’t remember where they got the backpacks

D:Yikes, purple girl needs to zip up that jacket.

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G: OH

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JULIE

HER CLOTHES ARE RIPPED

WAIT FOR IT

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D:Julie, you’re indecent.

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G: RIGHT AROUND HER BOOBS

D: PER USUAL

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G:WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS

D:Leave it Julie.

Jeez Julie, this is like the Christmas party all over again...

G: Some deep backstory this place that I just don’t give a crap about.

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At least we know it’s in the 2300's.

D:Never mind the actual photos of his family up- FLASHBACK TIME.

G: ^

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D: MY DAD SENT 40 SQUAD CARS TO PICK ME UP

G: Literally nothing interesting has happened.

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D: Holy crap.

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G: Oh machete

D:Speak of the devil

G:JULIE

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WHY

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D:WHY

G:OTHER JULIE!

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D: WHAT IS THIS

G: WHAT IS GOING ON

D: LOCKER ROOM TALK

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G: Let’s get buck naked wooooo

D: It’s an old dirty office

Better strip

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G:Married 5 times?!

D: Excuse me?

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G: Where was this personality from her beforehand

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What is this

Oh good groping I was worried we wouldn’t hit that checkbox...

D: This is so uncomfortable

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G:MC is just sitting there pondering these flashbacks

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What is this

D: Gotta love the shot of him fiddling with stuff on his lap behind a wall next to that....display.

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G: Drones

D: Hostage negotiations with drones?

Too much is wrong with this scene

G: So Bloodivores have been awful forever?

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“Why don’t you put yourself in my son’s shoes.”

D: This is literally is the worst show I’ve ever seen

G: #ExpertAnalysis

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OH DIL

I’ve got worse

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But

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D: Stop!

“Stop! Help me!”

RELATABLE

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G: DRONES

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NOT EVEN FOR HIM

D:Oh I forgot we had Evangelion here. Dad doesn’t care

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G:Oh

D: SENSEI!

G: *Useless dialogue here with the crapbag*

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Another?
Oh c’mon

D: OH

G: How many flashbacks

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All the kids look like garbage

Glass exploding as he falls

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D: “Don’t take my students. Take that boy. I told to wait in homeroom.”

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G:What?

What did the flashback tell us

D: Weird symbols?

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G: WAIT

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Is that it?

What

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ED!

OH C’MON.

THAT FACE

- “Post Episode Thoughts” -

D: This was worse than the first two episodes

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The worst part?

There wasn’t anything

G: That made no freaking sense!

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D:Useless dialogue in a flashback and uncomfortable scene where an old office strip happens for no reason other than first two women in the show are there.

“Episode 4: Sacrifice”

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Sounds like what we’re doing here, Gugs.

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G:It’s the worst.

I don’t even-

Let’s cut it here for the day because this show doesn’t know how to freaking anime.

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Four hours later Dil went to get dinner with some friends and was traumatized by who his waitress was.

Also, no, this is not the same Julie he refers to.


Episode 2: Awakening (Aired 8 Oct 16)

-Live Reaction-

Dil: Here we go again. This splash screen will never tick me off.

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Gugsy: Agreed.

D: The singer sounds like she starts the song like thirty feet away from the mic. Is that the editing of the opening or...?

G:Did you see that Charizard? NOW I’M EXCITED!

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D: OH MAN LOOK AT THAT DRAGON

G:VAMPIRES ALWAYS MEAN DRAGONS

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D: I like how fanservice girl in in nearly every shot of this

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G: What is this lighting?

D: POLITICS

G:I feel like there are dark kites up behind them at this press conference?

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“CHILD OF PEACE” OH MAN!!!

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Oh boy, Dil! Lookie, lookie- another purple hair girl.

D: UGHHHH.

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“Here is my son. Say hello, son.”

So is the trenchcoat guy and the purple haired girl brother sister then or...?

G: Half-Bloodivores, oh yeah!

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D: ...Or are most women in this universe purple haired? Is purple the new brunette?

G: What if they’re clones? I wouldn’t put that past them.

D: Purple hair girl is just a clone of the mom, dad is a strict dictator who hates the son...Sounds familiar. Next thing you’re going to tell me is Edgelord really only likes the other purple hair girl because she looked like his mom.

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G: I’ve seen worse.

Alright, our heroes are alive!

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*Purple hair girl comes through doors*

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G:WHO WOULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS

D: NOT SO FAST KAIBA, YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD. THAT’S NOT ANJI!

I didn’t have any screenshots of the purple hair girl so I went ahead and gave you the visual aid that fits it accurately anyways...now if we can avoid that third path.....yeesh.

G:What. A. Twist.

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*Trenchcoat notices actual Anji behind him and sees another Anji back up front*

D: “That’s not Anji” WHOA- What an observation! Flawless.

G: Great idea, giving prisoners guns.

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D: OH MAN WE HAVE GUNS.

That’s a man?

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JEEEEZ DUDE her boobs take up half the screen.

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G: There’s worse this season.

D: Yeah but I didn’t realize we were watching Keijo here.

*Show randomly cuts to the shot up van because...?*

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G: Oh wow they ducked! That’s all it took for the super anti-vampire police to miss?

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D: HOW DO YOU MISS

G: (NSFW version of saying “Jeez Louise”)

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D: ALL IT IS WAS A VAN THE BULLET HOLES WERE ALL THROUGH IT

G: They surrounded it on 3 sides!

D: Wouldn’t have the vehicle exploded or-?

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*Back to weird factory with monsters*

G: Financial fraud? BETTER SENTENCE HER TO DEATH.

D: *Still ranting about the van* They should have had a team shooting from the top, jeez.

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G: “I can’t believe they gave inmates on death row weapons.” You and me both man.

They’re in cubes? This is the Hunger Games isn’t it?

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D: Told you!

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G:Why does the one dude have a purple jacket? Wonder if he is important...

PURPLE JACKETS, PURPLE HAIR, PURPLE RAIN

D: Lowkey this is biographical anime about Prince.

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G: Now that’s a twist! Oh wait-

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D: A wooooooooman. A woooooooooman.

G:Clones! I KNEW IT.

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D: Oh good.

G: I was joking about that, too. (Dang it)

D: THIS. IS. EVANGELION. I KNEW IT!!!

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G:Hmmm...Nope. No idea what you’re talking about.

D:WHAT IS THIS.

Are these vampire prisoners like kids or? These dudes look 30 at least.

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G: “I’m so pissed off” - quote of the year.

D:Look at the animation quality on that fight scene!

G:COUNTDOWN!

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OH WOW!

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D: Danny Devito just exploded oh no.

Not pictured: Danny Devito

G:This censorship ahahahahahaha

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D: This literally is Evangelion- look at those collars they’re wearing. Didn’t homeboy blow up in the Rebuild of Evangelion from something just like this?

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G:They prevent you from killing one another? Noooo why?!

*Dil repeats “This is Evangelion” for the next five minutes of episode*

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G: Wow what a mission...stay here and survive.

D: But why?

G: Look at that van! There’s so few of bullet holes! No wonder they lived!

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D: I MEAN-

G: “This was a slaughter” ahahahahahaha.

D: Those were...at least....like....200 rounds....THERE’S LESS HOLES IN THE SHOT OF THE VAN’S INTERIOR!!!

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G: What the? WHAT THE???? MONSTERS WOOOO!!!!

(There’s no point in trying to remember the context here)

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D: NOPE. NO CLONES HERE. ALL ROBOTS.

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What a weird shot.

G: Look at this shot of them running away!

D:It can’t be going more than 12 FPS.

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G: There’s more monsters!

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D: “Memory failing...backing up....memories” I loved this part of Planetarian!

G:The monsters randomly hop over them.....because plot.

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D:I think the GI Joe Movie from 1987 had better falling animation than this.

G: My goodness, the censorship. It’s so hilarious. Ahahaha

D: House of mirrors because ART.

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G: “Art”, man.

Lol what the hell? He’s a Henomancer?

D: What does that even mean?!

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G: And credits! The translation team must be doing all they can to come up with these.

D: This is the worst ending credit scene I’ve ever seen.

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G: Why, cause it’s got your favorite ED playing over it?

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D: That and it is reusing footage in low resolution in the corner like a Dreamcast game.

G:Better replay all the footage we have!

D: THE SAME THE SAME THE SAME THE SAME WITHOUT YOOOOU

-Post Episode Discussion-

G:Budget, man. Next episode we’ll still be with these random monsters, joy. I love how overpowered this MC is about to be.

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D: THEY LOVE EDGY SOUNDING WORDS LOOK AT THAT

G:He’s a Bloodivore! But he is also a half-Bloodivore! He is also a Hemomancer! And the Child of Peace!

D:”Next time on Bloodivores: Hemomancy” Two of those words are made up.

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G: “Next time”?

D: Clearly.

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G: Thought so.

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D: I typed “hemomancy” into my iPhone and Siri called the nearest hospital.

G: My phone suggested “genomic cycle” when I typed in hemomancy and combusted into flames a la the Note 7.

Gugsy’s actual phone.

Man are you excited for this show or what?!

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D: This is the best show since Evangelion.

No wait.

Gugsy. Gugsy, baby.

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G: Yes?

D: This surpasses Evangelion. We’re going to have a fifteen year outcry until there is a Rebuild of Bloodivores movie saga.

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G: I kind of see it. Purple hair is Rei, d-bag guy is Asuka. Dad is Geno, Mom is Shinji’s mom and therefore Rei?

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D: This is going to transcend all works of life. Anime will no longer be taboo. Science, Politics, religion? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Biodigital jazz, man.

G: There’s no way this can fail.

D: This didn’t steal from Eva. Eva stole from this.

Little did you know is time travelers stole the idea from Bloodivores to make this trashy cartoon.

G: So what did we like from this? I like how unlike everything else, the monsters got zero exposition, zero justification and absolutely no explanation (yet) why they’re there.

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D: Robo boobs? Mom? Yeah I mean it was working decently until they blew the load on the van scene and the whole cliffhanger.

G: The van will never not be funny.

D:There is going to be a college thesis written over that van one day. You can just smell the episode with a bunch of purple hair robot girls coming. Like in their factory or something. I’m going to develop a trauma for the color purple by the end of this.

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What did they think when they put this together? “Let’s put together things anime fans love...Evangelion...Sakura Matou...

G: “Aliens...a pinch of Hemomancy and Twilight because...? Then we put them all in the Hunger Games?”

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D: “I asked my 5 year old son to name the show, too. It’s called Bloodivores.”

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Parting shots, Gugs?

G:Fine, I’ll take one. Kind of need it after this gloriousness.

D: No wait, I didn’t mean literally!

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G: Oh...Too late.


Episode 1: “Bloodivores” (Aired 1 Oct 16)

-Live Reaction-

Dil: I love this unrelated splash screen.

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Gugsy: This is the best it will ever look.

D: I really don’t get this rustic font they went with for the title.

G: I’m pretty sure 90% of their budget went into this OP.

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D: You can already tell purple hair girl is going to be their bread and butter, there hasn’t been a shot in this OP without her. Look at these Hot Topic special choker necklaces they have on, too.

G: 90's techno music, oh yeah babaaay!

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D: Oh man, I think we know they put another 8% of the budget into this car chase scene.

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G: I’m sure it has been said before but this is the slowest 300 km/hr chase ever. LOOK AT THESE CARS JUST CRUISE ALONG.

D: They don’t even really look like that nice of cars, either.

G: Whoa! That one car flipped in slow motion as the others went by in real time!

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D: Good thing no one was on the highway at like 2PM on a weekday to get hit by it.

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G: Pretty sure the tunnel is always a bad choice. GRENADES! Best present ever! This is the greatest commute ever.

D: I like how this is a flashback but they don’t give any indication that it was one even after they go back to the event happening. It just smash cuts to the present without any context whatsoever.

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G: Not enough funding, it all went into the OP probably. I always love these huge news screens put up in anime cities. Like where does that ever happen? Oh good it’s based exposition, too!

D: Oh man, we can see who the mains are here! Edgelord and immediately repulsing friend guy!

G: Slow pans for LIFE.

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D: Oh man these guys are so cool, just giving ambivalent commentary as this lady is getting mowed down by a vampire.

G: They really love to hold the shot two seconds longer than they should just to pad things out.

D: Oh man, these guys are way too cool for school.

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G: No-name vampire killing police dudes just beating the living crap out of this one.

D: Fastest vampire SWAT response ever at ten seconds after conflict occurred.

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G: Look at these visors!

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D: Wait, what? We went straight into a bank robbery scene? Why? Huh?

G: LOOK AT THESE VISORS.

Judge Dredd has nothing on this visor, yo.

D: Move over Kamina, Edgelord is in town.

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G: There are a 100 million possible passwords for this safe. Let me get in like thirty seconds tho. Lolhacking.

D: The new Mr. Robot is looking different.

G: All bank vaults have a dancing mascot character upon unlocking!

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D: YEAH YOU BROKE INTO OUR MAINFRAME. MILLIONS GONE!!!

G: Whistling for no reason? Check.

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D: No, no, no. He’s our loveable getaway driver character. Every team needs one of course.

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G: Exactly 20,600,000 yen? How convenient.

D: This scene feels right out of The Town. Like they just looked nearest to them for inspiration and were like: “Oh hey, The Town is on TNT right now.”

G: Our first named character, ten minutes in!

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*Loud Gunshot*

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D: Who cares about the plan. Or the plot for that matter.

G: Oh no, a kid!

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D: Homeboy is about to level that kid.

G: This kid’s just crying and they do a half-arsed close up of Anji.

D: WHO? Oh wait, of course that kid’s mom is the lady mowed down. How original.

G: This edgelord is out to kill everyone.

D: Just waving a ten gauge around. OH MAN WAIT JUST A MINUTE. SMOOTH CRIMINAL JUST THREW THE MONEY ON THE GROUND AND TOOK THE GETAWAY VEHICLE. So smooth. Much edge.

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G: “Mi Liu why?” Boobs, that’s why.

D: Smash cut to them in chains.

G: One car in the road stopped them! ONE! (Granted it was a tank, but they could have gone around it with all of the room they had...)

D: Yeah man they were going 300 km/hr after all...

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G: OF COURSE HE IS 16 YEARS OLD.

D: RELATABLE!

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G: Aaaand here comes the police to give our character exposition.

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D: I ALSO ACT OUT!

G: I ALSO ROB BANKS!

D: WOW I FEEL LIKE THIS PROTAGONIST IS NOT ONLY COOL BUT RELATABLE.

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G: I ALSO WEAR LONG MATRIX-INSPIRED TRENCHCOATS.

Trenchcoats are the quickest way to an angsty teen’s heart.

D: Oh no, it has been four minutes without them showing purple girl and the uncomfortable camera angles of her boobs.

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G: I just love how they beat the crap out of his friend in the background there.

D: And he somehow can see said friend through a one way glass?

G: 15 DEAD!!!

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D: OH NO! NOW HE HAS REMORSE FOR HIS HIGH DEGREE CRIMES!

G: OOOOOOH dark meeting room? Check! Wouldn’t want to see who those important people are just yet.

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D: I’m sorry, but I can’t take these Chinese names seriously. Some of them are like straight out of fanfics.

G: The cars are back! Again with these public news broadcasts. Cue to Ace Attorney time abruptly. Who is the culprit?

D: Everyone goes inside when the vampires roam the streets? Who knew it would be a bad idea letting them live with normal people.

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G: More long pans.

D: Win Chao sounds like a minigame in a Sonic game.

G:AWKWARD PAUSE.

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D: YEAH! DEATH!

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G: DEATH WOOO! “I didn’t kill anyoneeeeeee!” Dude, if you had your way, everyone on your own team would have been killed anyways...

D: Wait wait wait. Why did that judge in the background put a bag over his head?

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G:

D: Uh oh, now batting, straight from Bungou Stray Dogs, it’s daaaad!

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G: The ol’ talkin over the shoulder trope. LOVELY. “You have no right to talk about [mom]!” Wat?

D: Disappointed Father Director, how original. This show is already Evangelion.

G: RANDOM BURNING!

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D: Where is the bad exposition when you need it?

G: The amount of stills...oh look credits.

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D: This is such an odd scene.

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G: English ED there goes the other 10% of budget.


D: Oh no they spent 8% on the chase scene, but with math like that you can see how this budget fared. THIS SONG IS SO BAD. I HATE IT.

G: Here come the no-name police dudes!

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D: But no seriously, this song. It sounds like it’s from The Weather Channel-

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G: BLAM. THEY’RE ALL DEAD! WOOOOO.

D: I love the eight second pause after they unload all of the bullets with one last pistol shot because edge!

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G: Ten seconds later, they’re alive in the preview! Like why?

D:Look at this preview...so exciting....

G: They must have had Stormtrooper aim.

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D: It’s like the Hunger Games now?!

G: But vampires!

-Post Episode Thoughts-

G: I’ve never seen an anime so clearly stretched in my life. SO many stills and pan shots of just absolutely nothing.

D: But Gugsy, it’s art!

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G: And ye olde “Character monologues exposition” anime tradition happens not just once but twice!

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D: You have to have those ten second pauses to showcase all of this art.

G: WHAT ART

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D: Everyone knows that if the work doesn’t shout its exposition at the audience then they won’t understand all of the artistic greatness.

G: How will we know about our MC’s tragic backstory! HOW WILL I EVER RELATE TO HIM.

D: Shakespeare, JJ Abrams, Gandhi, they all directed their stories with exposition out the butthole. We have to know that he is not only cool, but also 16.

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G: Gandhi told stories?

D: Huh? Moving on...

One time, I burned my hand on my Crockpot while making some chili. I imagine this is what this scene must had been like for Edgelord McTrenchcoat.

G: What positives did we see? What can we look forward to in this death march journey to understand the Bloodivores?

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*silence*

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G: I’ll say the OP was decent.

...

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Aaaand that’s it

D: There’s like two or three decent shots in there? It is just way too saturated in poo though.

G: Purple hair girl didn’t actively piss me off like every other character did. So that’s not a negative at leas-

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D: Her existence as fanservice pissed me off.

G: Oh wow. That’s deep. Look at Bloodivores. The philosophy man.

D: What was her name again? Ajin? Oh no, I’m thinking of better anime.

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G: And there’s lots of them! Just not here.

D: I know her name!

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G: I think it is Anji.

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D: SAKURA MATOU.

*laughter*

D: Never trust a person with a j in their name. That’s what grandpa always said.

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G: Good! Dil has now alienated all of the Johns reading this.

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D: Also if they have two first names like WIN CHAO

G: *naming more people* Joseph...

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D: Not Julie though. Hey Julie, if you’re reading this...Call me ;)

G: Well now she won’t now that she knows we watch this.

D: GREAT.

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G: Unless...she has purple hair.

D: *randomly shouting out someone* SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY JOSEPE!

G: No wait, you already said you hated her so that’s out.

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D: Yes Gugsy, because a fictional anime character will know I don’t like her and her purple hair. OH JEEZ.

G: Julie knows, man.

Julie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it when I said that playing Overwatch was more important than getting some bulgogi with you. Please come back.

D: *frantically texting Julie at the same time* Oh wait, Gugsy. Oh no! The five fans of Bloodivores heard us talking crap about their waifu. They’re trying to get through my apartment window right now.

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G: What do they look like?

D: It’s hard to say- looks like they have the latest fashions from your local Hot Topic! Oh man, they’re all decked out in edgy Jared Leto Joker shirts.

G: Oh no.

D: Call for help Gugs!

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G: Who do I call? The police? Gandhi? Julie?

*Screaming and sounds of glass breaking*

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 G: Dil, what’s wrong? Please respond. Dil? DIL?! DIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!