After the Cleveland Cavaliers lost in five games to the unhealthily stacked Golden State Warriors team featuring defensive monster/sharpshooting human tarantula Kevin Durant and the hero for every twelve year old and fan of less than two years in Stephen Curry, there seems to be no stopping their dynasty. Since then, many talking heads have been on debating over where the world’s greatest basketball star, LeBron James, will end up going to defeat his rivals. I too like to come up with completely fictitious scenarios for LeBron James, so today I will be constructing the real thing the King needs to defeat the Warriors- a team full of anime characters.
For the sake of rules (and by rules I mean whatever I feel like putting here) I have come up with the following:
- Only one character per franchise
- One real NBA player wildcard (cannot be all-star)
- If the character has powers, they have to be used either as a sleight of logic or in a way that wouldn’t be overpowered (no guys flying around and teleporting across the court)
- (Somewhat) Decent reasoning behind their use for basketball
- Lol if you’re still reading this page, you’re probably interested enough to continue so feel free to tell me why my list is crap
Now then, shall we begin?
Head Coach: Hachiman Hikigaya
LeBron James hates having real coaches. Why do you ask, reader not named Gugsy or my brother Walt? Simply put, the more competent the coach, the more he has confidence in himself. LeBron hates a coach with confidence because that means they will disagree with his decisions to not run the LeBron gameplan. Wanna know what happened to the last guy who decided he was the coach and LeBron was the player? Why don’t you book a flight to go see him all the way across the globe (oh I’m sorry for the flat earthers out there- I meant to say across the map). Enter Tyronn Lue- he’s just a guy who can take the blame if the Cavs lose, take the blame when the Cavs aren’t doing something right,
and did I mention he takes the blame when the Cavs drop multiple games in a row with a team highlighted by Dion Waiters?
In our fake scenario where the entire roster is gutted and everyone has been replaced with anime characters, it is safe to say the coach needs to be one as well, right? You couldn’t draw up a better coach to fit the personality needs for the King than Hachiman. He’s going to be the one to say exactly what needs to be said to move things along even if it means he’ll be the outcast and probably fired after a season of the Anime Super Team not winning. He’ll break down in the locker room around the all-star break and tell
the real coach his star player he wants something genuine out of his team, leading LeBron to repeat “What? I don’t understand.” over and over again until he runs out to the rooftop of the school practice facility at sundown dramatically.
Point Guard: Spike Spiegel
You’d have to correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure there is never any scene of Cowboy Bebop that has Spike playing anything close to hoops, but he has all of the attributes of a hall of fame point guard in the making. Take this passage from the Cowboy Bebop wiki for example:
Spike has many talents and abilities, including very sharp eyesight, abnormally acute perception, and extraordinary luck. Spike makes use of sleight-of-hand techniques to win card games, pick pockets, and even to slip things onto other people unnoticed...predict the moves of his opponents...and use lateral thinking to get out of virtually every situation which life throws at him
Now imagine all of that translating into the game- he would be reading back door cuts from teammates, squeezing through traffic and putting defenders on skates while in charge of the offense. Once things switched over on defense? Lockdown. Spike would be averaging around three or four steals a game, just making every guard the Warriors tried throwing out there look silly. Being the
second shortest player in this lineup is perfect for him to play point at 6'1"
Shooting Guard: Shintarō Midorima
You already know what this guy is here to do- drain those three pointers. Secretly designed as just the kind of person to be lurking out on the wing for LeBron to dribble-drive kick out to, Midorima is just waiting to nail a quick release shot from literally anywhere he wants. Given the ball handlers, playmakers, and pure scorers around him, it will be easy for the luck obsessed sharpshooter to lose a defender whilst sneaking around the backside for a clutch corner three.
It is certainly worth noting that he does more than drop rainbows from downtown, though. While not the best one out of his whole “Generation of Miracles” team at it, Midorima is an absolute monster on the defensive end. For the whole three of you still reading this without knowing much about hoops, basically this guy is the dream scenario for what you want out of someone who can hit three pointers on offense and play great defense (a “3 and D”).
Small Forward: Suruga Kanbaru
Wait, everyone. Don’t go yet, please. Let me explain. I wish I was kidding about this selection, but if you’ve even seen a little bit of Kanbaru in Monogatari, you should know why she is on this list. Let me open up the case for her with this passage from the light novel Bakemonogatari Vol 2 by NISIOISIN
But Suruga Kanbaru-can jump.
Just once, a year ago, for some reason or other, I had a chance to take a peek at a game Suruga Kanbaru was playing in- and she was so quick and agile that she didn’t just pass by the other team’s defenders but threaded them, and like in the sports manga that once swept Japan, scored with a clean dunk- one dunk after dunk, dozens of them, as if it were the most pleasant activity, with comfort, with ease, with the refreshing smile of an athletic girl never leaving her face...From my position in the crowd, more than being overwhelmed by her, I felt awful for the players on the opposing team as they visibly lost their will to play, overwhelmed by her, and couldn’t watch anymore, it was so painful, and had to leave. I remember it like it was yesterday.
If Ben Simmons can get drafted first overall in the NBA Draft off of his athleticism alone, then Kanbaru deserves to be a starter for the Anime Super Team. While she is listed as a shooting guard (or as we call it in the game, a “2"), her and Midorima could swap positions however needed. Granted she is only the size of a high schooler, something tells me that someone with her kind of vertical would have no problem blocking even Kevin Durant’s shot if needed. LeBron would definitely hog the lane, but the second chance put-back dunks by Kanbaru would be way too much of a threat not to have her near the paint for a shot at.
Yes, I see you guy in the back row who cared enough to look back up at my rules. “But isn’t this breaking the powers rule since she only was so athletic because of the monkey paw?” I don’t know, was she? Last time I checked, not only did she lose her monkey paw, but she also beat a devil in a one-on-one game of basketball for the soul of her departed best friend/
only lover in an odd OP sequence by hitting a game-winning two handed slam after taking off from the free throw line. Take that for data.
Power Forward: LeBron James
He’s the King. Of course he is on this list and starting. Really? You didn’t see this coming? Love him or hate him, he is easily the best team player ever (I didn’t say he was the outright GOAT). Also, you know he would just love to play power forward at this point in his career and not small forward if he had a competent small forward with him (luckily for him, he has K A N B A R U).
Center: Ira Gamagoori
You know when someone plays NBA 2Kwhatever and they make a custom character as tall as the game will allow? If you do that, bleach his hair blonde, and make him super Japanese, you get Ira Gamagoori. Being that big has only one request to be had from you that cannot be achieved with your absurd height and athletic ability- don’t be clumsy and foul a bunch. Why not get the most disciplined and rule enforcing guy over 7"0' (or however tall Trigger likes to make him scene to scene) in anime to make sure the Draymond Green and Zaza Pachulia’s of the world don’t mess up your team? He wouldn’t try to get even with the guys (I’m looking at you, David West) but rather he would just get so upset over the rules being broken that he would grab thirty rebounds before the next timeout can happen and you can see the same commercial for that awful Nissan SUV three times in one break. Unlike someone who would bark back at LeBron for not approving of dating a Kardashian and bringing that can of worms into the locker room, Gamagoori would live and die by his team leader’s will. LeBron likes guys like that. If this Super Team broke up? Guess who LeBron is calling for the next roster? Hint: It ain’t Tristan Thompson.
Forward: Tetsuo Takahashi
I’m not adding “Demi-chan Takahashi pool scene” as one of my Google searches, so you’re going to have to take my word for this one when I say this dude makes Jonathan Joestar look like a couch potato. I imagine him taking up all of the minutes that Richard Jefferson (yes, person somehow still reading this who doesn’t know the NBA- that’s a real name) and his rotting corpse take up. Just tell him the ball is Machi’s delicate dullahan head and he’ll be cleaning up rebounds left and right.
This is the first of the role players where “sleight of logic” comes into play. All scouting would indicate
besides her eyes that look like the Tower of Sauron she is a completely normal maid. The tricky part with her abilities, however, come from the fact that if she so much as moves with her true strength, the entire hardwood floor would crumble. In other words, she would probably be better off for perimeter defense and spot-up shooting rather than chase down blocks or steals that could potentially disarm people (literally). Seeing as she has a wide array of magic spells at her disposal, at the very least she can keep LeBron’s hairline from going back any further.
Every bench needs a crazy guy. Dutch is crazy. Super smooth, too. Great for interviews.
Center: Semyon Brezhnev
You only really need one backup center in today’s game of basketball (if any), so the super sized Semyon fits the ticket. This guy may look innocent, butchering his Japanese on street corners trying to get people to come eat sushi, but in reality he’s a trained assassin on the same level as half the people in John Wick. I’m not sure how that translates into basketball, but hey it is a cool credential.
Guard: Fujibayashi Kyou
Maybe some of you don’t remember this, but Fujibayashi can ball hard. Everyone seems to remember the pouring rain basketball scene where Nagisa waited for Tomoya, but they all forget about that weird “for the fate of the drama club” match-up that would never happen in a real situation. What is that? You don’t know why it wouldn’t? Here, let me help the scenario. Imagine a club full of aspiring actors wanted to rent out a room essentially the size of a janitor’s closet (kidding, but you know how every classroom in an anime is the size of an Italian villa living room). No problems right? Too bad the basketball club (or “team” as weebs would have to learn to call it in America) wants to also use said utility room to hang up their dirty sneakers,
play Xbox watch game film on their projector, and go bananas over obvious Tinder porn bots on their cell phones. What ends up happening? The drama club probably already turned in their paperwork and unless the basketball “club” is any good, they probably get to keep the room. Not in this school! The school deems the only fitting test to see if a bunch of overly dramatic teenagers or conditioned ballers can get the jail cell sized haven is to play a good, fair game of basketball (and by fair, I mean in the same way that Maximus had a fair fight against Commodus). I don’t care how good Tomoya used to be, who looks at those terms and conditions and goes “yeah this makes sense”.
Fujibayashi was getting buckets. Homegirl drained like fourteen of the sixteen points their team needed or something. Kyle Korver has nothing on her.
Guard: Ochaco Uraraka
Yeah that’s right, I didn’t just use Ochaco as click-bait for the four people who flock to any .jpeg of their waifu. Seeing as everyone in her show has pretty obvious powers such as being a frog, having engines in their calves, and shooting laser beams out of their belly buttons, Ochaco has a low-key power in the ability to make whatever she touches zero gravity and can also return gravity to things at will. I say “low-key” because a floating ball isn’t exactly odd for around, oh say three to five seconds. If you were to pair her ability with someone you really could expect to get unnaturally hot at random times, you would be perfect. Now, I wonder who would fit that bill...
-NBA Wildcard Player-
Guard: Dion Waiters
So Dion would walk into the gym, look not only LeBron and every Warrior player, but an entire team of anime characters in the eye and not for a moment think he wasn’t the greatest person present. This guy defies more physics than any anime does. He goes from being a bum on his way out the door one night to almost single handedly beating every single playoffs team. His track record consists of a game winning shot over Klay Thompson (a really good perimeter defender) and destroying LeBron’s Cavs teams twice- all within in a week.
So if Ochako made it so every shot Waiters was hoisting up went in, every single person would believe it- including Dion.
So there you have it folks. The Golden State Warriors don’t stand a chance against a team consisting of LeBron James, a biology teacher, a luck obsessed two way shooter, assassins, a dragon, a dude the size of a building, a girl who never played basketball until she made it rain downtown, a superhero, and of course the best basketball player to ever play the game ever (you decide who that is between Kanbaru and Waiters).
If you actually read all of this, thanks! If you have an issue about the list, let me know in the comment section below and I will reply reminding you I made this list whilst waiting for a dinner date at an Applebee’s on Friday night and that the total reads for this article might not ever break 500.